STILL HOT: The Uncensored Guide to Divorce, Dating, Sex, Spite, and Happily Ever After

Dating with Kids: 12 Tips for Single Moms

2009-12-23T08:49:00.000-08:00

Dating with kids can be challenging – whether you’re recently divorced or you’ve endured two years’ worth of Starbucks dates -- and whether your kids are two or twenty-two. But your children can be helpful as well, especially if you recognize their wisdom. Here are a dozen tips on how they can help or hinder your social life.

1) First things first. After 20 years of puttering around the house in your ex-husband’s tattered Sigma Epsilon sweatshirts, size XXXL, you’ll need to spruce up your wardrobe. Here’s where your teenage daughter can be an invaluable asset. Set her loose in your closet, armed with an industrial-size trash bag. Close your eyes and trust her as she dumps your frump-wear: baggy sweats, grubby T’s, maxi skirts, clodhopper shoes. In short, anything that makes you look like Granny from “The Beverly Hillbillies.”

2) However, this doesn’t give you license to start dressing like the Olsen twins and cause your children endless embarrassment. Stay out of the teen department, and avoid those eensy-weensy mini-skirts, baby-doll tops, and low-rise jeans that display your new red thong. Let your children play the hosts on your personal version of “What Not to Wear.” You’ll know you’ve gone way too far if your daughter says you look like a “skank,” and your son asks if you’re decked out for a dance at the middle school.

3) Now that you’ve made the leap from soccer-mom stodgy to single-mom sexy, you’re ready to meet some guys. Again, here’s an area where it can actually help to have children. Keep your eyes open for attractive single dads when you pick up your kids from track meets, driver’s ed, SAT prep, CCD class, or Bar Mitzvahs. But whatever you do, NEVER date the father of your child’s friend. Believe us: this will make the kids gag.

4) You spent your adult life living side by side with your ex-husband, 24/7. The upshot? You know nothing about men. At this point, your children’s creep radar is a thousand times keener than your own. So if you show a guy’s internet dating profile to your teenage daughter for pre-approval, and she points out that he’s a dead-ringer for the Unabomber, listen to her.

5) When was the last time you went out on a date anyway? It was a different century! It’s as if you were cryogenically frozen 20 years ago and just thawed out. You’ll find yourself grilling your teenagers about when to return a guy’s call, how to open a text message, what to write on your internet profile. With great condescension, they’ll deliver a painfully elementary lecture on the how-to’s of handling men. Take notes.

6) Eventually you’ll catch up and hone your own instincts about whom to date. And sometimes, you can use your kids as a barometer. For instance, if a guy invites you to a pricey, five-star dinner at Auberge d’Argent, and you’d rather stay home and watch “South Park” with them, trust that impulse.

7) Of course, your kids will only be helpful up to a point. The same 15-year-old who proofread your internet dating profile might feel possessive once you’re actually dating. She may need reassurance that she’s still the most important person in your life -- especially if she suddenly demands your help with algebra on Saturday nights.

8) Your teenagers may also feel protective when you start dating. Just as you need to know when they’ll be home, remember to show them the same courtesy. Otherwise, don’t be surprised if they call your cell at 1:30 a.m. while you’re out on a date, and offer, “If you’ve been drinking, we’ll pick you up wherever you are – no questions asked.”

9) Keep in mind that your children still picture you sitting home every night, just waiting for the chance to roast a chicken for them. So be prepared for your college freshman to pop home unexpectedly, laundry bags and roommates in tow. Don’t get caught making out with your new boyfriend in front of the kitchen window.

10) No matter how mature your daughter is, do not update her on your decision to sleep with the guy you’re seeing. Or for that matter, tell her anything about your sex life. Remember, she’s your child, not your friend. In her words: “Like, too much information. Gross.”

11) Dating with really young kids poses a special challenge. Babysitters are a budget-breaker, and besides, you might feel guilty going out on Saturday night rather than staying home and playing Candy Land. But if you’re organized and highly energetic, you can have it all. Just feed them, bathe them, read The Cat in the Hat, and tuck them in. Then bring out the candles and wine, and whip up a 30-minute meal for two at 8:30. It’s a lot of work, but a welcome break from those 5:30 dinners of Scooby-Doo mac ‘n’ cheese with dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets. Yum.

12) The advantage of dating with little kids is that they’ll welcome your new boyfriend so long as he gives them a high-five and a bag of pretzels. Not so when they’re older and wiser. Don’t expect them to like any guy you date within the first year of your divorce, even if he offers them World Series tickets and a keg of beer. But by now your radar is working and you know the ropes, so if you think he’s worth it, hang in there. Your kids will come around. Maybe.

Great Stocking Stuffer Gift for Single Women

2009-12-16T12:11:00.000-08:00

So sorry to shamelessly promote ourselves, but we can't think of a small gift that could possibly bring more smiles to a single friend's holiday than our book Still Hot. You can still still get it shipped from Amazon in time for Christmas!

Mistresses of Tiger Woods March on Washington

2009-12-09T12:41:00.000-08:00

FROM The Borowitz Report

December 7, 2009
Mistresses of Tiger Woods March on Washington
Crowd Estimated at Over One Million

WASHINGTON - In one of the largest mass demonstrations in recent history, over one million women claiming to have had sexual liaisons with Tiger Woods marched on Washington today.
Determined to show that they are a political force to be reckoned with, the coalition of nightclub hostesses, cocktail waitresses and lingerie models stopped traffic for hours as they marched to the Capitol.
Shandy Shanoyne, a 22-year-old thong publicist who had an on-again, off-again relationship with Mr. Woods, said that she organized the march to demand benefits, such as health care and workmen's compensation, for the golfer's many girlfriends.
"We are sick and tired of being told to take our names off our voicemail greetings," she said. "We have demands and they must be met. Quickly. Huge."
According to Ms. Shanoyne, the million or so mistresses of Mr. Woods who showed up at the march are just the tip of the iceberg: "A new girlfriend of Tiger's holds a press conference every eleven seconds."
In related stories, David Letterman, Bill Clinton, Jesse Jackson, and Governor Mark Sanford today cleared all the golf clubs out of their homes.

Revenge Options - Go Public!

2009-10-28T08:40:00.000-07:00

Post Divorce: He’s At It Again

2009-09-09T12:52:00.000-07:00

Three and a half months since the divorce was final, Mitchell, that never-ending source of wacked out behavior, decided to file yet another complaint against April, his ex.

This makes 5 complaints he has filed in the 97 days since their marriage was officially over. Which, if you know Mitchell, really isn’t a lot considering that during the 20 year marriage he began each day by complaining that April bought the wrong soap for the shower, or that the coffee was regular when she should know that he really wanted hazelnut. Or that April had parked in the side of the garage he preferred. He ended each day complaining that the sheets didn’t smell the same as his mother’s fabric softener, that he resented April for “forcing” him to go to Parents Night at the high school, or that she knew he wanted steak for dinner every night so why did she insist on cooking fish and chicken just because his doctor said he was at risk for a heart attack?

The most recent complaint? Foosball. He wanted his Foosball game back. Well, yes, they bought it for their daughter, and no, it was never technically his, but now he wants it. And, yes, he agrees it was not on the comprehensive list of 437 items he wanted--and took--from the house already--including but not limited to the computer his daughter had been using to do her homework, and all of the lawn furniture, despite the fact that he had moved into a fourteenth floor condo.

April was taken aback that Mitchell wanted to waste yet another day with a court mediator and a judge over Foosball of all things. She would have gladly given it to him except that their daughter made her promise not to give away one more item from their now almost-bare house.

After four hours in a court mediation room, April asked Mitchell “How do you have time for this? Don’t you have a full time job?”

“This is my full time job,” he shot back.

Enraged that April was not found in contempt of court over the Foosball game, Mitchell shouted his mantra: “ There is no justice!” and stormed out of the courthouse. He then screeched off in the brand new Lexus LX10 his girlfriend bought him for his 50th birthday. She'll learn.

Divorce Cakes

2009-08-10T07:27:00.000-07:00

Awesome divorce cakes are definitely the way to commemorate this mixed blessing occasion. Here are some of the best we've seen. Cut thin slices to maintain that divorce diet svelte body!

Keeping the Marriage Going: A Model Husband

2009-06-01T11:39:00.001-07:00

I just got off the phone with Alan, a photographer colleague whose twelfth wedding anniversary is today.
He was so excited to report on the wonderful anniversary dinner date that he and Lori shared at their favorite restaurant, the Grocery, in Brooklyn on Saturday evening.
He dreamily described the perfect slightly breezy, warm, bug-free air they enjoyed while dining al fresco in the garden. He easily remembered that she ordered lamb (medium rare) and that he had the sea bass. And that he snuck off to tell the hostess that it was an anniversary so that Lori would be surprised when dessert arrived at the table.
Later at home, he gave her a digital photo frame filled with their wedding photos, shots of all their former anniversaries, and quite a few adorable images of their Schnoodle puppy whom he referred to as “our son”. Absolutely thrilled with his thoughtfulness, she cried, and then he cried because she cried.

I congratulated Alan on making it to a dozen years and he replied that it isn’t always so easy, and that you really have to work at a relationship. He said that, like anything precious and valuable, you need to continue to work hard to make it succeed. If it doesn’t entail a lot of work, it’s probably not worth having, was his conclusion.

Alan should be the poster boy for all husbands, don’t you think?

Evil Ex? Cast A Spell on Him.

2009-05-18T12:26:00.000-07:00

When all else has failed and you have to deal with an evil EX like Mitchell lurking around and being a nasty SOB, you may have to resort to amateur witchcraft to improve his behavior, or at least get some satisfaction.

Try the THREE NIGHTS OF HELL CANDLE SPELL:

This spell will inflict serious pain and sores on your obnoxious
ex for a period of 3 days, after which the spell is lifted, and he will be well again. And maybe a humbled, nicer guy. Well,hey,it's worth a shot....

Take a lit black candle, place a full body photo of him in front of you, and tilt the candle so the wax drips on several critical places on his picture. Visualize the wax burning sores into his body. While doing so, recite the following incantation 3 times...

As I do this candle spell
Bring mine enemy 3 nights of hell
Candle black, black as night
Bring him pains of flesh tonight!

Lesions on his skin will grow
Afflict him with a painful blow
Sores and pain afflict him now
For 3 nights he'll wonder how

Dukes of darkness, toll your bell
Smite mine enemy, bring him hell
When 3 nights of pain have passed
Make him well, and nicer at last.

After sitting and thinking about the sores and the pain he will suffer, extinguish the candle. Pour yourself a glass of Chardonnay.

When 3 nights have passed,
tear up the photo and say the following...

When 3 nights of pain endured
I lift this curse, rest assured
Darkness leave him, go away;
The curse is lifted now, today!"

Repeat as needed.

Email the Ex

2009-05-13T14:54:00.001-07:00

I would add to those excellent tips: Stick with email and avoid talking to your ex. Communicating with him via email offers several advantages:

Instead of firing off an angry verbal retort, you can get your thoughts down in an email and vent as much as you want without further angering and alienating him.

Then reread and rewrite the note so you sound cool, calm, and mature.

Let it sit, re-read it again from his point of view. Look for signs of anger, provocation or edge. Rewrite it and eliminate those. Pissing him off won't get you what you want -- which is his cooperation.

Once you send it, you have a written record of your communications, and you never know when you might need that.

Mother’s Day: What to Do When Your Ex is a Total Jerk

2009-05-12T11:36:00.000-07:00

When your ex is a complete and total jerk and does everything he possibly can think of to ruin your Mother’s Day celebration with the kids, what can you do about it?

Mitchell, the monster ex from Mass., who was recently divorced from Joy, pulled a doozy this past Mother’s Day. He gifted their only child, Melissa, with two tickets to a Mother’s Day performance by her favorite comedian and even offered to loan her his car, with only one caveat. Melissa could take whoever she wanted to the performance as her guest so long as it wasn’t her mom.

Poor Melissa was beside herself with indecision: favorite performer/Mom; Mom/favorite performer. Though livid at Mitch, Joy helped her daughter out by suggesting that they have an early brunch together and then Melissa could go on to the performance with a friend. What Joy really wanted to say isn’t printable. Even on the internet.

Joy has had more practice than most of us dealing with a total jerk of an ex.
Here are her rules:

• While you can’t possibly control your ex, you can control yourself.
• Limit contact with the ex to the barest minimum.
• Change the way you interact. Throw him a curve ball--Don’t react the way he expects you to.
• Think of your relationship with your ex--and yes for better, or worse, usually worse, it is a relationship--as a business one, not a personal one
• Choose your battles -- only bother to fight those that truly matter
• Always script yourself before you talk to your ex--and stick to the script
• Always give yourself an out such as “It isn’t legal for me to talk now, I’m driving…”
• Never let your children hear you argue

The Real Reason French Women Aren’t Fat

2009-04-28T16:33:00.000-07:00

Last summer I spent a week on vacation with extended family which included a seventy year old French woman with a sylph-like figure. Back then on this very blog site I chronicled what I observed about her eating habits in order to learn and share her secret. I obsessively noted what foods she ate, when she ate, portion size, wine consumption, carb counts.
But now a French friend has shared with me her take on the real reason French women of all ages are slim. It’s underwear. French women adore sexy, expensive underwear, and once you wear the silky luxurious stuff, you simply don’t want blobs of lard seeping out around the edges. So I guess the lesson is-- go out and buy yourself some fabulous lingerie and you’ll automatically lose a few pounds and feel gorgeous. Tant mieux!

Recession-era hair coloring tips

2009-04-23T05:36:00.000-07:00

Like many women, I've been stretching the weeks between visits to my colorist. When money was flush, I showed up every four weeks, nipping those gray roots in the bud. After the market collapsed, I extended the wait to six weeks, but couldn't stand the little salt-and-pepper yarmulke that sprouted on my head. Now I'm going every five weeks, but even by then, my roots look nasty. And it doesn't help that I'm only 5'4", which allows most people to look down at the top of my head!

Drug store products don't usually cover those color-resistant gray strands, and of course, there's always the risk of my ending up looking like Lucille Ball. Now there are root touch-up products that are applied like wax crayons, lipsticks, mascaras and combs and range from $5 to $25.

But hair pros have other remedies that are cheap, temporary, and well-worth trying. They include touching up with the right shade of regular eye mascara, especially for auburn or dark hair. For brunettes and redheads, stylists suggest foundation in a color for dark skin -- just dab it onto your finger and blend it into the gray. Or buy cream eye shadow in a neutral color and brush or smudge it over the grays for blondes or brunettes. All of those sound relatively foolproof. The worst that can happen is that they don't work or they look weird, in which case you simply wash them out. I'll definitely give them a try during week # 5.

Lessons From A Recessionista Biatch

2009-04-15T12:13:00.000-07:00

You know, you can learn something about creative investment strategies from almost anyone these days. Take Susan for instance, that mean-spirited, but money-savvy Massachusetts midget. We personally know two women whose husbands she has stolen, and we have heard of three more marriages she has decimated. She has always been very open minded, disregarding age, belly size, ear hair, and flatulence--she’ll turn a blind eye to any male flaw, so long as there’s plenty of money to compensate.
That said, and all scorn aside, Susan like a lot of women about to break off her marriage with a wealthy man, decided to squirrel away a stash of cash before she made her next move. Decked out in her platform mega-heel mesh boots, and inappropriately young mini skirt and leggings, and newly-platinum blonde to boot, she got herself a secret commission-only job as a personal shopper at Neiman Marcus in the nearby mall. When she wasn’t busy picking out the latest Miu Miu handbags for her customers, she shopped till she dropped with her husband’s credit card using her 35% off employee discount. Once the trunk of her Mercedes SUV was full of merchandise, off she’d schlep to the resale shop. As soon as her stuff was sold and she got her rebate, she started a rainy day savings account, FDIC insured. Designer clothes add up fast! After six months she had $250 K put away, which gave her the confidence to trade in the fat old fart-factory for a younger guy she’d been shacking up in motels with for the past year--who just by the way was going tooth and nail after his wife’s inheritance and stood to make a pretty penny without ever putting in a day’s work.

Men have biological clocks too

2009-04-08T15:39:00.000-07:00

A host of new studies are showing that just as women's eggs age, giving rise to fertility problems and birth defects, so does men's sperm. The children of older fathers scored lower on tests of intelligence, concentration, memory, and reading skills, and had lower IQs, than those of younger fathers. They also had a higher incidence of schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, and autism. The author of one of the studies concluded: "It turns out that the optimal age for being a mother is the same as the optimal age for being a father."

That evens the playing field a bit. It never seemed quite fair that our biological clocks stop ticking by age 40, while geezers like Tony Randall get to play stud. In the last few years we've seen a growing number of "start-over dads," that is, older men who divorce their wives and start a second family with a new, young wife. Now that this information has emerged, 30-something women may think twice about marrying and having babies with 50-something men.

Dating: Reciprocating on the Cheap

2009-03-26T11:55:00.001-07:00

Dating can get expensive. Whether your arrangement is that your guy pays and every now and then it’s your turn to treat, or whether you split each and every bill, it can all add up.
Here are some ideas for when it’s your turn to pay from our cost-conscious girlfriends out there in the dating world:

• Find out when there is a free wine tasting event at your local wine shop
• Invite him over for a Netflix movie and popcorn
• Ask him to dress up for an elegant dinner at your home (see our $10 ideas) and then go downtown to walk off dinner. Stroll into an ultra fancy restaurant for drinks and split a dessert.
• Check out the free concerts at the local music college
• Ride to the beach and go on a seashell hunt (okay, so we have some hokey friends…)
• Buy a selection of toppings and invite him over to make a pizza together. Follow that up by starting a 1,000 piece jigsaw puzzle.
• Go apple picking and later bake a pie together. Ditto for berries or peaches.
• Schedule a Saturday afternoon of art gallery hopping followed by lattés
• Check the public lecture series at any local colleges
• Volunteer at a soup kitchen together
• Get tickets to a local high school basketball or hockey game
• Go to a driving range and hit a bucket of golf balls
• If you both own bikes, go cycling, and take it leisurely—respect each other’s endurance levels.
• Go for a hike on a nature trail. You bring the sandwiches.

Save these last three for when you’ve been dating him a good long time:

• Sign up for salsa lessons for two
• Buy a selection of scented massage oils and invite him over to choose his favorite
• Give him a manicure , or a shave

2009-03-24T14:48:00.001-07:00

Many divorce lawyers are taking a beating during the recession. Not only are couples postponing divorce until their home values and stock-portfolios recover, but many who have filed for divorce and reached settlements are refusing to pay their legal bills, according to a friend who is a divorce attorney. But there are still a few couples whose matrimonial matters are recession proof.

A 36-year-old countess is demanding that her husband double her divorce settlement to $100 million as she hasn’t enough to cover weekly expenses of more than $53,000. Marie Douglas-David wants to tear up a postnuptial agreement with George David -– a former corporate bigwig who is 30 years her senior and worth an estimated $329 million. Under the agreement, which she claims he coerced her to sign, she would receive a mere $43 million. They were married for six years and had no children together. (George had previously divorced his wife, with whom he had three children.)

The Swedish countess, previously an investment banker, says she has no income and has listed her weekly expenses in a court document. These include $4,500 for clothes, $1,000 for hair and skin treatments, $1,500 for restaurants and entertainment, $8,000 for travel, $700 for limousine services, $2,209 for an assistant, $1,570 for horse care and $600 for flowers.

She is asking for nearly $100 million in cash and shares, plus about $130,000 a month in alimony payments. Her expenses include maintaining a Park Avenue apartment and three homes in Sweden.

In response, her husband lists weekly expenses totally $200,000.

Mr David’s lawyer, Anne Dranginis, accused Ms Douglas-David of nagging and hounding her husband with “extensive, long diatribes” over little things “like how he held his fork or how he drafted invitations”. She accused him of having an affair with a younger woman.

They shouldn't get divorced. They deserve each other.

Recession Dates: Inexpensive But Not Cheap

2009-03-19T09:02:00.000-07:00

After you’ve been dating for a while, even if your new beau has been picking up the bill for all the early dates, at some point good manners will dictate that you need to reciprocate.

Once you know you really like and trust him, invite him to dinner. You can make each of the following main courses for under $10. Add a simple salad, pick up a bottle of your local wine store’s bargain vintage of the week,and some berries for dessert, and wow him for under $25. Plus you’ll save more money--bring the leftovers to work with you for lunch.

Super Easy Meat Loaf for When You’re in a Time Pinch
Prep: 10 minutes
Cook: 1 hour, 20 mins.
1 can condensed tomato soup- low sodium
1 ½ lb. ground beef
1 packet dry onion soup mix
1/c cup dry bread crumbs
1 egg, beaten
¼ cup water

Mix half the can of tomato soup with the beef and the onion soup mix. Add bread crumbs and egg. Place mixture in 8"x4”loaf baking pan. Bake at 350 for 1 hour and 20 mins. or until done.
Remove drippings from pan. Mix with the remaining tomato soup and ¼ cup water. Heat and serve with meat loaf.

OR
(This one takes a while to prep but it is both healthy and impressive)
Low Fat, Low Sodium Baked Stuffed Cabbage
1/2 cup brown rice
1 cup water
1 large savoy cabbage
1 tbsp canoloa oil
1 onion, chopped
2-3 cloves garlic chopped
4 tbsps. fresh squeezed lemon juice (plus a dash extra)
1 pound lean ground turkey
3 tbsps. chopped dill
1 ½ cups low sodium tomato sauce
1 cup low sodium chicken broth
½ tsp salt
½ tsp pepper
1 tbsp honey
Cook rice per package directions until water is absorbed- approximately 30 minutes.
While rice is cooking bring a Dutch oven full of water to boil. Take the 12 largest outer cabbage leaves,rinse them and and place them in the boiling water for 6 minutes. Drain and rinse with cool water.
Chop some of the remaining (uncooked) cabbage to make 2 cups. Set aside.
Heat oil in large saucepan. Add onion and chopped cabbage. Cook, stirring for 3 minutes until soft. Add garlic and cook ½ minute. Add 4 tbsps.lemon juice and cook until liquid has almost evaporated. Cool.
Mix turkey, dill, salt, pepper, and cooled onion-cabbage mixture and cooled rice in large bowl. Coat 9 x 13” baking dish with cooking spray. Lay one cabbage leaf on cutting board. Cut out thick stem. Place 1/4 to 1/3 cup turkey mixture in the center of the leaf. Fold the sides in, then roll closed. Place seam-side down in baking dish. Repeat until all 12 cabbage leaves are filled and rolled.
Whisk tomato sauce, broth, honey, and the leftover dash of lemon juice in a bowl. Pour over cabbage rolls. Cover pan with foil. Preheat oven to 375. Bake for one hour. Uncover and bake additional 20 minutes.

Be prepared to be asked on another date immediately!

Cheap dates

2009-03-18T12:38:00.000-07:00

Apparently the recession has been good for dating, and in particular, internet dating. Single people are motivated these days to find a partner with whom to share the misery, and online dating is cheaper than bar-hopping and ordering drinks. It costs about $35 to join match.com for a month, while Jdate and eharmony are even pricier. But free dating sites have proliferated, including speeddate.com, plentyoffish.com, loveawake.com, and connectingsingles.com. Beware of sites that claim to be free and allow you to browse, but demand membership fees the minute you want to email someone. The best bet is to sign on with a site that doesn't ask for your credit card information.

If you meet someone online and decide to go out, stick with coffee or a drink for the first date. It's cheaper and it spares you from spending a protracted evening with a miserable date. At our recent reading, one woman commented that she always winds up going dutch on dates, particularly because she always asks the guy if he'd like her to pay! But the other women who attended -- ranging in age from 26 to 60 -- unanimously agreed that they expect the guy to pay for the first few dates and that he does. We agree, recession or not!

Meetup-- Meet people who share your interests

2009-03-17T11:19:00.000-07:00

We had a great time at our reading and discussion at the JCC on the Upper West Side in Manhattan last week. Billed as a 39+ workshop, we ended up as a group of women ranging in age from twenty something to septuagenarian, each with her unique view of dating.

The topics ranged from who should pay on a first date, a third date or whenever, to how to avoid the pitfalls of internet dating. One new thing we learned is that there are websites out there which help you find groups of people in your local area with similar interests. One of the participants in our workshop shared her experience that meetup.com is great way to meet people in general and prospective dates in particular.
We had never heard of meetup, but we have since learned that you can have an interest, say practicing your conversational French, and there are meetup groups in several geographical areas devoted to spending a couple of hours a week in French conversation.

We all know that the best way to meet someone special is when you are busy getting on with your life, pursuing your own interests rather than combing through piles of internet dating profiles always looking for a better prospect. So check out meetup and let us know what you think!

REVENGE: Spite after Divorce

2009-03-02T10:07:00.001-08:00

We all know that living well and getting on with your own life is the best revenge, but sometimes even after the divorce decree is in hand, you can’t help feeling like a nice dose of spite would be oh so comforting. And there is no reason to feel alone or ashamed--clearly everybody feels the same way. Revenge businesses are all over the internet on sites like sweetrevenge.com, revengeguy.co.uk, xrevenge.com,and
the payback.com, to list just a few.
These sites offer a range of suitable “gifts” to send that cheap, sleazy ex-husband who raked you over the coals in divorce court. Or,maybe you'd like to gift his nasty shyster lawyer, or his girlfriend who slept with him in your bed while he was still married to you and you were out shlepping his mother to her podiatrist appointment. Or, there is always a chance that you may want to send the gift that says “This is what I really think of you” to your ex-best friend who has dumped you, and now hangs out with your ex’s new girlfriend, her new bff.
So what are the choices? We have narrowed them down to the two best categories- dead flowers and dead animalia. We say, “Say it with roses.” One dozen dead wilted roses can be sent either anonymously or with a nice little note for $24.99. Shipping is free. If the jerk is not worth the flowers, there is a stems-and-thorns-only option for less.
Our hands down fave, though, is the dead smelly fish, shipped in a sealed package and giftwrapped for $19.99. Free shipping. Maggots are another option, as is a bag of dog poo. For real!

Above and beyond these revenge giftings, you can go onto spellmaker.com and shop their voodoo boutique for the ultimate revenge kit--a curse of your choosing. Have fun and don’t forget to write in and let us know how it goes.

Still Hot in New York City March 12th

2009-02-27T09:41:00.000-08:00

The Still Hot Ladies will be in New York City for a fun-filled women only evening. Please Join Us!
Thursday, March 12, 2009
7:00 PM
at the JCC in Manhattan
334 Amsterdam Avenue at 76th Stret
New York City

to register, call 646-505-5708 and ask for program #JFOHOT00W9, or register online at JCCManhattan.org/39plus.

Still Hot: The Uncensored Guide to Divorce, Dating, Sex, Spite, and Happily Ever After

When was the last time you laughed so hard your sides hurt? Join Sue Mittenthal and Linda Reing, authors of Still Hot: The Uncensored Guide to Divorce, Dating, Sex, Spite, and Happily Ever After, for a women's-only evening of wine and cheese and dating tips. The authors will read from their book, take questions, and explore the lighter side of life after divorce. Still Hot is a hilarious, tongue-in-cheek romp through the journey women take while processing divorce. Bring your questions, share your stories and hear priceless tips on how to meet new men: "Get a job in a urologist' s office!"Learn first-date don't's: "Never call your divorce lawyer from the dinner table." Then spend an uproarious evening marveling at how far you've come. For women only.

Thu, Mar 12
7 pm
$15/$20
JFOHOT00W9

Single Mom's Savings Tips

2009-02-21T13:28:00.000-08:00

I just got back from having coffee with my newly divorced friend Bettina. She is totally excited about sharing her latest moneysaving tips for single moms.

She wanted me to remind our readers that you may be single again for now, but you’re not dead to the adult world--you are a grown up human being who needs to be in adult company at least sometimes. If you want to maintain your sanity and continue to enjoy your children, you’ll need to get out of the house on occasional evenings. Instead of letting prohibitive babysitting costs ($15 or more per hour!) turn you into a stay-at-home hermit, Bettina advises starting a babysitting co-op. She started her own by organizing the families in her building to take turns sitting for each other’s kids entirely free of charge. The couples and single moms in her building and in buildings close by are enjoying their evenings out,feeling safe and secure. Each new co-op member family is informally interviewed by current members be sure that everyone is generally philosophically on the same page. And,the best part is that not only are your kids with neighbors you trust, but when you’re out to dinner,you're not obsessively checking your watch imagining that babysitting meter ticking off the accumulating dollars.
Bettina, a paralegal in a high-pressure law firm, is very organized so she finds it easy to track her co-op's babysitting requests, assignments and hours banked on a spreadsheet. If you need a sitter on Saturday night from 7 to 11 pm, you e-mail Bettina who then sends your request around to the co-op members. Once a member signs up to watch your kids, you work out the details with that member who then earns four hours of babysitting time.
Last week Bettina racked up major hours. Her sons are 7 and 9 and are friends with the son of a co-op member who lives down the block. Bettina hosted a sleepover for her two kids and the other little boy from 5 pm on a Friday until Saturday at 2 pm. She’s now got 21 hours of babysitting credit to use at her convenience.

Her second savings tip was one we hear over and over again--the clothing exchange. Women all over town are hosting clothing swaps. Bettina's babysitting co-op members have two kinds of swaps going. In addition to"shopping" at occasional mom's clothing swap evenings, they also swap out gently used baby and kid equipment such as high chairs or tricycles, as well as clothing, snow suits, boots, skates and sporting gear.

Bettina estimates that she’ll save over $4,000 this year in babysitting exchange and swapped items.Time to start your own co-op!

Upshot of Valentine's Day Singles Party

2009-02-19T07:09:00.001-08:00

Here are the results of the Feb 14th party, in which my son's friend Amanda attempted to play Cupid by inviting all of her single girlfriends plus a bunch of single male friends, including my son and his pals. (See previous post, Feb 13th.)

I called my son the following day, thrilled that he had gone to the party and excited to hear how it went. He offhandedly remarked that he and his pals decided not to go at the last minute because the party was "too far away" -- i.e. in a different borough. Is that not like men, or what? These guys are 22 years old, but apparently they're all the same. I hope that the girls had more fun without them!

Valentine's Day: A fun opportunity for singles

2009-02-13T17:16:00.000-08:00

Here's another great idea for the unattached on Valentine's Day. My 22-year-old son, as well as many of his male pals, don't have girlfriends at the moment. Their friend Jon has a girlfriend named Amanda, who has a number of single female friends. So Amanda is throwing a party on Saturday night, February 14th, which she has dubbed "Single Ladies Night." She invited all of her single girlfriends, and Jon invited my son and all of his single guy friends. The odds are good that a few guests will actually hit it off, and no matter what, it promises to be a fun Saturday night and a swell way for singles to spend Valentine's Day.

Best Valentine’s Day Gift Girlfriend to Girlfriend

2009-02-12T08:28:00.000-08:00

The best Valentine’s Day girlfriend to girlfriend gift we know of is a copy of Still Hot: the Uncensored Guide to Divorce, Dating, Sex, Spite, and Happily Ever After. First order a copy of Still Hot on Amazon. Then, sit down at your kitchen table with your favorite kindergartener, some scissors and art supplies and make your best friend an old fashioned home made valentine complete with glitter and glue and the works. Just ask the kindergartener- nothing is too over the top on a valentine. Include an IOU for the book. She’s your best friend and she already loves you, but this kind of thoughtfulness will reaffirm what makes your friendship so special.

Valentine's Day: How not to break your budget

2009-02-10T11:52:00.000-08:00

Valentine's Day gives many of us a welcome excuse to do a little stimulus spending, but it can also be a ripoff. In researching restaurants for a dinner that evening, I noticed that in my vicinity most are replacing their regular menu with a special Valentine's Day prix fixe dinner. The typical cost per person: $70. But further investigation revealed that the more ethnic restaurants -- for instance, Greek or Asian -- don't pull that little scam. So go Greek for Valentine's Day!

Another recession-proof tip: Instead of buying an expensive Valentine's gift, give your partner a small bottle of scented massage oil and deliver it with a full-body massage. It's less fattening than chocolates, lasts longer than flowers, and is cheaper and sexier than both!

Valentine's Day: How Not to Wreck Your Diet Just Because You're Lucky Enough to Have a Date

2009-02-10T07:26:00.000-08:00

For those of us who are lucky enough to have a dinner date with someone we love, or even like, for Valentine's Day- here are 6 easy Weight Watcher's tips on how not to wreak havoc with your diet plan:

1. Relax
Don't approach the dinner with trepidation. Watching your food intake does not mean denying yourself anything-- you're just making choices about your life. And the really wonderful part is you're sharing a meal with those you love, whether it's your honey, or a group of girlfriends.

2. Don't be afraid to ask for what you want
Scan the menu to create your own dinner. If you want the fish, but don't want the cream sauce, ask for it to be served with the salsa that comes with the chicken. The same goes for the sides: that shrimp dish you want might come with potato gratin, but the roast chicken comes with grilled asparagus. Just ask for the shrimp with asparagus.

3. Order simpler food prepared light
In terms of calories, grilled is better than fried; baked is better than braised.

5. Cut things out during the meal
• Forgo the cocktail, which can be loaded with sugar, and have a glass of red wine instead.
• Ask for lemon juice or vinegar on the salad.
• Ask for cocktail sauce or chutney on your baked potato, rather than butter and sour cream.

6. Share
You can split an appetizer or a dessert, or both. It's very romantic to share a dish with someone you love-- and in these recessionary times, it's likely he will appeciate the savings when the bill arrives!

Single on Valentine's Day

2009-02-10T07:10:00.000-08:00

Men and women who have experienced being single on Valentine's Day know that it can be even harder than being dateless on New Year's Eve. Let's start the dialog with 7 Valentine's Day Tips from Dr. Laura S. Brown, professor of psychology at Argosy University/Seattle:

1. Do not define yourself by your relationship status. Your relationship status is not your identity.
2. If you are single because of a recent loss, allow this to be a day of grieving. Do not pretend that it’s not a hard day. Get support and sympathy.
3. Realize that Valentine’s Day is a commercial holiday. It is not about love and relationships; it is about selling flowers, candy, and diamond jewelry. Think of all the money you are saving.
4. Plan well in advance to do something that will not place you in the path of billing and cooing couples. Even if you usually like dining out alone, do something else on Valentine’s Day.
5. Get together with people who do love you -- friends, family members, the people who already have relationships with you.
6. If you are single and you don’t want to be, start now to think about what is in the way of you creating the relationship you want. Find ways to work on becoming the person your dream partner would fall in love with. Start therapy. Take up yoga. Begin to volunteer. Create art. Make meaning. Act to change the world. It is into the fullest lives that love is most likely to fall.
7. If you are single and you like it, now is the time to affirm your choice. People who never marry or partner have close, loving, emotionally intimate relationships and lives worth living. Do not let a couple-driven culture define your choice as something wrong.

Divorce deal affected by Madoff scandal

2009-02-09T07:30:00.000-08:00

Here's a new twist on Madoff's $50 billion Ponzi fraud. Not only has he wiped out the retirement dreams of many married couples, but he has wreaked havoc with the settlement agreement of at least one divorced couple.

In 2006 Steven and Laura were in the process of divorcing and agreed to evenly split the $5.4 million they shared in an account with Madoff securities. Steven held onto the $5.4 million account and gave Laura $2.7 million in cash to compensate her for her half.

Fast-forward two years later: Steven discovers that the account isn't worth the paper it's printed on, plus he's out the $2.7 million he paid to Laura. He is now suing her for its return; his ex has no comment. If he loses, she may turn out to be the only Madoff investor who realized a hefty profit.

Choosing a Divorce Attorney: Take a Close Look At Her Office

2009-02-04T13:48:00.001-08:00

Ah, the clarity of hindsight. Lucy wishes she had been more on target in predicting her divorce lawyer’s winning potential by observing the attorney’s office décor. In fact,the attorney had no office. She worked out of the dining nook in a high rise apartment she shared with her two adolescent daughters, and a snarling little dog. Clouds of cat hair coated every surface and a rather odiferous litter box made its presence known in the "office rest room." But come to think of it, actually it wasn’t so much her office or lack thereof that was the major problem. After a preliminary four-way meeting between the divorcing parties--Lucy and her then-husband, plus the lawyers for both parties, her attorney followed Lucy into the courthouse Ladies’ Room where she burst into tears in memory of the angst of her own divorce several years before. Lucy ended up comforting her attorney and handing her tissues. None of this was subtracted from her bill. In the divorce settlement, despite poor representation, Lucy miraculously ended up with only a mildly bad deal.

A decade later, Lucy’s sister, Joy, went through her own divorce and obviously had learned nothing from Lucy’s prior experience. Joy signed on with an attorney whom she chose for the lame reason that the office assistant kindly offered her a choice of herbal tea or fresh brewed coffee and that the coffee was served with real milk, not Cremora. Never mind that the attorney’s office was strewn with stacks of files and loose papers stamped CONFIDENTIAL,and that a couple of unmatched high heels were kicked into various corners. Once, the attorney gave Joy a ride home from a negotiation meeting and the car was so cluttered with old diet coke cans, sweaty gym clothes and piles of coffee-stained paperwork, that Joy couldn’t even squeeze her size 4 self into the passenger seat. Needless to say the attorney was no more organized in planning Joy’s case than she was in they way she kept her office and car. Joy was lucky she walked away with the shirt on her back(barely).

Judging divorce lawyers by their office decor

2009-02-02T08:43:00.001-08:00

Before I settled on an attorney to handle my divorce, I visited three prominent matrimonial lawyers in New York city and took note of their similar, professionally decorated offices: sleek black leather sofas, steely gray carpets, contemporary, posh, and spare, with a current Architectural Digest in the reception area so you can ogle the gorgeous homes of happy couples as you contemplate the imminent loss of your own. The offices were designed to convey the attorneys' success rather than put anxious clients at ease.

But this past weekend I saw the opposite: the Bethesda, Maryland office of a family-law attorney who handles high-profile Washington DC divorces as well as less celebrated custody cases and property and custodial agreements for "divorcing" gay couples. As clients enter the cozy reception area, they are immediately greeted by Daisy, a happy, friendly mutt who belongs to one of the partners. If a little pet therapy doesn't cheer you up, you turn your sights to the bright, playful Mexican folk art that festoons the office: whimsical, hand-painted animal sculptures, bold-colored throw rugs, and in the conference room -- where opposing sides hash out settlement agreements -- the walls are decorated with colorful metal and beaded fish. Best of all, in the reception area the attorneys display a stack of our book, Still Hot -- a freebie for any client who needs a good laugh!

Divorce Settlement Chutzpah

2009-01-28T10:15:00.000-08:00

How’s this for chutzpah?

Our friend and her ex just signed a divorce settlement in court. In an agonizing decision to be first and foremost a good mom, our friend signed in order not to prolong the divorce and subject her children to further acrimony.
She felt the settlement was kind of unfair--no alimony for her although she makes under $30,000 per year and her ex used to make $200,000 in the years before he quit working so he would show no income during the divorce proceedings. (See our book chapter on RAIDS). And, she really regretted being forced to sell the family home and split the proceeds 50/50 since she had used a gift from her parents to make the full down payment.
But, by far the most bitter pill for our friend to swallow was agreeing to give her ex half of the sale proceeds from the apartment she had solely owned outright since way before she had even met him. His lawyer doggedly insisted that the ex had put sweat equity into the apartment(he once replaced the float ball in a toilet)and that there would be no settlement whatsoever unless the ex got his "fair share" of said apartment.

Our friend gritted her teeth, reminded herself that getting the divorce over with was best for the kids,and signed. The ex and his attorney immediately approached her and said she could buy the ex’s apartment share back from him for $150,000.
She recently had an appraisal done on the apartment--it was worth a total of $250,000 before the market crashed, and here was her ex trying to get her to buy her own property back from him at an inflated price. Heck of a guy! His new girlfriend is soooooooo lucky to have latched onto such a winner! Hope she gets him to sign a pre-nup!

Can you keep your inheritance when you get divorced?

2009-01-26T13:38:00.000-08:00

In the eyes of the law, there are two kinds of marital property: community property and separate property.

Community property is marital assets that were obtained during the marriage by either partner. All community property is divided equitably in a divorce. Separate property is individual property that you obtained before the marriage, and usually remains yours after a divorce.

In most states, an inheritance, even if you receive it during marriage, falls under the separate property clause. As long as the inheritance has not been commingled with joint marital assets during the marriage, it should remain in your own after a divorce.

However, a few states (known as community property states) consider an inheritance to be part of marital assets if it was received during the marriage. An inheritance ruling is difficult to dispute if you live in a community property state. The following states fall into this category:
* Arizona
* California
* Idaho
* Louisiana
* Nevada
* New Mexico
* Texas
* Washington
* Wisconsin

Public Frenemy Number One: Cindy G. of Weston, MA.

2009-01-22T10:23:00.000-08:00

Girlfriends,
We are outing Cindy G. of Weston, Massachusetts as a frenemy of the worst kind. Watch your back if you come across this turncoat traitor! We wish we could disclose her full name, but if you meet up with her hopefully you'll know what she's all about, full name or no.

Despite her Frida Kahlo unibrow, since she took off 30 pounds or so, Cindy is quite attractive and dangerously sweet on the surface. Plus she’s a good cook in that old fashioned red sauce baked ziti kind of way. She has two lovely daughters and a long, stable marriage with her 450 pound beached whale of a husband, Big Ric.

All the above constitutes her upside. Here's the underbelly: Cindy was until recently the longtime bff of a friend of ours. Then our friend’s husband began having an affair with a neighbor which led to the end of that marriage (and the neighbor’s). At first, Cindy was super sympathetic with her bff over the affair and the end of the marriage. When Cindy and Big Ric went out to dinner with the bff’s husband and his new girlfriend the blonde neighbor, Cindy reported that the blonde was unattractive with a bad nose job and has killer crow's feet. The bff was quietly very hurt that Cindy even agreed to double date with the new couple, but she enjoyed the gossip when Cindy reported back to her on the multiple interesting secrets the blonde neighbor divulged under the influence of alcohol—she’s been divorced three times; she gets sloppy after just one glass of wine; she's not really blonde; she always has sex on the first date; she used to weigh 185; her father is a twice convicted felon; she spends $5,000 every week on clothes; she’s 4’8" and wears custom made lifts in her shoes; she’s had three botched nose jobs and a boob job, and so on.

But then, Cindy, in a sudden treacherous shift, became bff’s with the blonde neighbor. Just like that, she decided to switch teams. Cindy and the blonde now shop together. They double date every Saturday night. They take vacations as couples together, although they have to travel separately since Cindy’s husband Big Ric is too fat to fly coach. And in the ultimate act of traitorship, yesterday Cindy showed up at divorce court in support of her former bff's ex.

That’s right, Cindy ditched her best friend of 20 years after the bff’s husband left her, and then Cindy became best friends with the husband and the new girlfriend. Hopefully what goes around comes around and Cindy will get her just desserts, though it is highly unlikely that Cindy’s 450 pound monster of a hubby will attract the eye of any woman still breathing.

Note: We have our own internal dispute as to whether the correct spelling is frenemy or frienemy, but either way, we all need to steer clear of girlfriends like Cindy--Amen!

Obama's sex appeal

2009-01-22T07:45:00.000-08:00

I agree with some of those viewpoints, but not all.

Obama is ...

1. Cute? Check.
2. Devoted to wife and kids? Check.
3. Empathetic mediator? Check.

And I would add the following assets:

4. Megawatt smile
5. Amazing intellect
6. Great sense of humor

But I dispute that:

"He's like a woman." I think part of his appeal, subconscious perhaps for women, is that underneath that charm and grace is the ultimate alpha male. Let's not forget that with no family connections and at an extraordinarily young age, Obama KICKED ASS, running a juggernaut campaign, trouncing the competition with his unflappable, steely resolve, and making history by becoming the first back president. That takes enormous will and ambition. Obama is undaunted, a truly tough dude.

A Crush on the President: Barack My World

2009-01-21T08:14:00.000-08:00

Why are we women so taken with the 44th president? Not that we haven’t fallen head over heels before – we loved Bill Clinton even to the point of desperately, illogically trying to divert the blame for his wayward behavior. Our mothers’ generation was crazy for John Kennedy. My grandmother voted for Kennedy simply because he was handsome and a Democrat, no other credential necessary.
In 2009, women of all ages love Obama.
One of our friends says we love him because he’s so like a woman. He has incorporated the best of female characteristics. He’s slim, good looking, has long elegant hands, he’s well-dressed and well-groomed, he’s fit, he’s sensitive and empathic. He minimizes conflict, and looks for common ground. And he doesn’t take power for granted.
Another friend says women love the president because of his solid marriage, the way he looks at his wife and daughters with complete devotion, admiration and love. And then, back to my Grandma’s reasoning, there’s the fact that he’s just plain cute.

How to wind up with a good man and avoid the players

2009-01-18T16:51:00.000-08:00

A new study shows that refusing to sleep with a partner on the first date could be one of the keys to making a successful match.

Researchers used a mathematical model to show that more reliable men were willing to wait longer before having sex for the first time. By contrast, less suitable men were not as likely to continue dating.

Professor Robert Seymour, from University College London, who created the model, said: "Longer courtship is a way for the female to acquire information about the male. "By delaying mating, the female is able to reduce the chance that she will mate with a bad male.

"A male's willingness to court for a long time is a signal that he is likely to be a good male.

"Long courtship is a price paid for increasing the chance that mating, if it occurs, will be a harmonious match which benefits both sexes. This may help to explain the commonly held belief that a woman is best advised not to sleep with a man on a first date."

Dating Opportunities Abound: Inaugural Festivities

2009-01-16T11:22:00.000-08:00

Ladies- Yes, you can meet a good man on January 20, 2009! Check out the inauguration festivities in your area. Tons of events from dance parties to brunches are in the works and it’s a wonderful opportunity to celebrate and meet some new people at the same time.
Here’s a smattering of the kinds of activities being planned around the country. Google your town for your own local inaugural activities.

California: West Marin County 7:15 am - Sunrise Swim - Chicken Ranch Beach, Inverness. 8:00 am - Live Inauguration Screening and Breakfast, Toby's Feed Barn, Point Reyes Station. Pledge YOUR first 100 days of action on the Ball O' Hope 6:00 pm - 10:00 pm - Inaugural Ball, Soup & Bread Line, Music & Dancing - BYOBB (bring your own beverages and bowl) $10 - No one will be turned away. Dress: West Marin Formal. Hosted by: Point Reyes Books, Mainstreet Moms, Toby's Feed Barn, The Dance Palace, Point Reyes Nation.

Florida: Altamonte Springs (1/20/09) Presidential Inauguration Brunch at Hughey's American Grill, 11:00 AM to 2:00 PM. Brunch ($18.95/person) includes includes $10 admittance to the evening party celebration event (10:00 p.m. till 2:00 a.m.) with live entertainment.

Idaho: Moscow (1/20/09) Marimba music and food beginning at 6 p.m., rebroadcast of President Obama's inaugural speech at 7 p.m., and dancing until 10 p.m. Cost is $5 per person. Money raised will go to the Sesitshaya Marimba band scholarship, Sojourner's Alliance shelter and food banks in Latah County. Hosted by the Latah County Democrats.

How to avoid a second divorce

2009-01-14T05:48:00.000-08:00

S. and her widower boyfriend fell in love and planned their retirement together two weeks after they started dating; in less than a year, he cruelly dumped her. The only consolation for the heartbroken S is that she discovered who he really was before tying the knot for the second time. Hers is a cautionary tale that explains why the divorce rate for second marriages is so high. Here are the stats:

* Divorce rate in America after first marriage is from 41% to 50%.
* US divorce rate after second marriage is from 60% to 67%
* After 3 marriages the US divorce rate is from 73% to 74%

Why do subsequent marriages fail? Research shows that the second marriage divorce rate greatly increases if you’ve been in a relationship with a person for less than a year.

It has also been proven that both men and women want to be married and connected regardless of the misery they suffered in their last marriage. Loneliness can drive anyone to seek relief in their second marriage and few people are thinking straight when they remarry too quickly.

The burning desire to “not be lonely” creates such a hunger that people fall in love with the idea of being in love, rather than with their partner as he or she really is. They are "blinded by love."

And romance is a powerful drug. It can keep you in a trance right up until the moment you say "I do" for the second time.

But once you’re married, that romance gradually gets replaced with the predictability of married life, and either the problems you thought you left behind by getting your first divorce, or the previously unseen flaws and shortcomings of your new spouse, eventually undermine the second marriage.

The central message of our book is that divorced women must take the time to rebuild their lives and get comfortable with themselves before they can have a successful new relationship. Two more caveats: don't rush into any relationship, and resist the temptation to fantasize about the future with your new love. It's easy for partners to feel warm and lovey-dovey for awhile, but after about a year, they reveal whether they or not they REALLY want to be in a relationship.

Dating the Widower: Too Much Too Soon

2009-01-13T07:54:00.000-08:00

What happens when a widower suddenly starts his life over with an all-consuming new relationship?
Back in September, we heard from a guest blogger-- our friend S. from Colorado who was known to us prior to that moment as the most cynical, jaded, anti-man woman we knew. She had been burned out by a long marriage to a bipolar chiropractor and subsequently had a long-term relationship with a compulsive womanizer. When she broke that dead-end situation off, she landed up with a seemingly sweet, if boring, man, who at the last moment, after they had decided to move to another state and had signed a lease together, broke out in a rabid case of commitment phobia and took off.
Half a dozen dateless years later, here she was on our blog gushing about the wonderful widower she met on E-Harmony. After just two weeks of dating, these two soulmates were already making retirement plans together.
The relationship blossomed and grew throughout the autumn, but as the holidays approached he became nervous anticipating his 23-year-old daughter’s reaction to finding out that he was now dating. Although an adult, the daughter is an only child whose mother had died less than a year before after a long battle with cancer. S. felt sympathetic toward the young woman, so she advised her boyfriend to wait to discuss their relationship until the daughter came home for Christmas so he could talk to her in person.
From the moment the daughter arrived home, S. never heard from the guy. He instructed her not to call him, not even on his cell, and not to email him. He didn’t want his daughter to pick up any clues before he was ready to tell her. S. felt as if she was conducting some sort of clandestine affair with a married man.
Finally, in a desperate, forbidden action, she called his cell. He told her that he hadn’t been able to discuss his dating with his daughter yet, but there was something else he needed to tell S.
Weeks before, he had confided that due to some complicated story regarding botched surgery, he was unable to have sex without using Viagra. S. had told him that she loved him and this was fine with her.
Over the phone, he told her his doctor now said that taking Viagra could be life threatening to him, and that he should never ever have sex or even get aroused again. S. was in love and reassured him they would find a solution. But he insisted that he wanted her to move on and have a normal life without him. She became hysterical crying and all he could say was, “I thought you never cried. I didn’t know you were so emotional.”
With that, he disappeared. Never called or emailed, never said goodbye.
I have no idea what all of this was about except I can’t help thinking he scared himself off by moving ahead so fast with a relationship so soon after his wife’s death.
On the other hand, my Aunt Millie has been with her boyfriend Sumner for over a decade. When they began seeing each other, she was already a widow for fourteen years and was clearly finally ready to date, but Sumner's wife had died only three months before. His kids were furious, but in the end it all worked out and they are still together and very happy.

I guess some guys are built to be part of a couple and others are scared to death of intimacy.

More necessary luxuries

2009-01-08T11:39:00.001-08:00

I would add to that list of small indulgences that we can't live without:

A tiny tube of wrinkle-erasing under-eye cream that costs $27. Well, it's cheaper than plastic surgery!

High-end shampoo and conditioner. I am working towards generic versions, which are probably just as good, but am not there yet.

L'Occitane hand cream.

Chanel lipstick.

Going to the dermatologist for zits.

*** On the other hand, I took my kids out to dinner at a diner last night, and the bill for the three of us came to $46.40 including tax, tip, and a side of fries.

Necessary Luxuries Even in a Recession

2009-01-08T09:48:00.000-08:00

Necessary luxuries is NOT an oxymoron. Getting back on this topic from our blog entry last week, no self-respecting woman can afford to go around looking like her hair was cut with with a weed whacker or her color was done by a bathroom hair wizard on crack.
And there are at least a half dozen other less obvious luxuries we can’t bear to give up, nor should we.
Here’s some input on what our girlfriends refuse to go without, job or no job:

Lip gloss, mascara and concealer for three. What would we do without them? We’d have to walk around feeling bad about our raccoon circles, dry wrinkled lips and puny lashes.

Then there are the books,magazine subscriptions,movies,text messaging,and high speed internet connection that keep us in contact with the world.

I for one have cost cut like crazy. No more taxis, and hardly any dinners out. But something came over me and I absolutely had to buy a $75 dollar jar of Jeunesse du Cou last week to keep my neck eternally young. Actually it’s much too late for that, which is exactly what made the impulse purchase so urgent!

Are organ donations and breast implants marital assets?

2009-01-08T07:54:00.000-08:00

Divorcing spouses haggle about all kinds of assets, from pension plans to art collections to family heirlooms. Some couples have jewelry and antiques appraised so their value can be split. Battles wage over the Jaguar, the baby grand piano, and the wedding silver.

But here's one for the record books. A Long Island surgeon, embroiled in divorce negotiations for the past four years, wants his estranged wife to return the kidney he donated to her. Alternatively, she can fork over $1.5 million in compensation.

Dr. Richard Batista donated the kidney to his wife in 2001. He claims she began an extramarital affair 18 months later, and within three years of the transplant she filed for divorce. He also says that during the litigation, he has been prevented from seeing their three children.

If his allegations are true, I can't blame him for feeling bitter about being dumped and left with one kidney. But divorce experts say the kidney is not a marital asset that you can put a price tag on, and there's no chance he will succeed. According to Manhattan attorney Susan Moss: "The good doctor is out of luck and out a kidney. This is similar to cases where a husband wants to be repaid for the cost of breast implants and the such. Our judges are not willing to value such assets, so to speak."

Divorce: Sometimes Grandparents Are Far from Grand

2009-01-05T18:22:00.000-08:00

During the holiday season, we have fond memories of our grandparents buying us that special doll or train set we wanted more than anything, baking spicy aromatic gingerbread men or frying the crispiest latkes. Long after our Nana or Pops is gone to the hereafter, we pull out the photo albums and get misty eyed as we remember their unconditional love.
We almost never think of our grandparents as coming from the Dark Side. But,poor Alix and Mikey. Their grandfather is Darth Vader reincarnated.
Their mom, Allison, and their dad, Damon, have been embroiled in a three- year- long divorce case which barely pales before the War of the Roses. Damon is in love with a wealthy three-time divorcee ten years older than him who likes to vaction in her condo at a nudist resort in Land O Lakes Florida.
Allison, for reasons only known to her, would like to stay married to creepy Damon, but he is enraptured by the nudist and her bank accounts which remain rock solid even in these financially shaky times.
Damon’s parents never liked Allison’s outspoken nature or her bi-racial background. They are thrilled with the older (100% WASP) wealthy divorcee and her bank accounts, though they are unaware of her nudist proclivities. They have hired their best friend, a pit bull attorney, to represent Damon, and Damon's dad has told his daughter in law more than once that he hopes to see her homeless and begging on the street one day so he can spit on her as he walks by her. A lovely thing to say to the mother of your grandchildren whose only crime is that she married into a disgusting, greedy, racist, spiteful family.
This Christmas, Damon, despite his children’s desire to stay at home with their mom, insisted that Alix and Mikey spend the holiday with him, the divorcee, and his family. Allison convinced the kids it wouldn’t be so bad. After all their aunt, uncle and cousin Maxie would be sleeping over at the grandparents’ too.
On Christmas morning, Alix, Mikey and Cousin Maxie woke up early and found envelopes from their grandparents. Alix and Mikey opened their envelopes and each found $25. Maxie opened his envelope and there was a check for $500. The grandfather said, “Max, show them the check. See Alix and Mike, Max has $500 and you only get $25.Why? Because you listen to your mother, and as long as you listen to her, you’ll get next to nothing from me”.
True story. Pinky Swear. What a loving family interaction on Christmas morning! Damon watched as the whole scene unrolled between his father and his children and then he presented his “finacee” with a huge emerald ring of his mother's--she never wanted Allison to have it. He then gave each of his kids a McDonald’s gift certificate.

Luxuries We Can't Live Without

2009-01-02T17:12:00.000-08:00

Looking in the mirror the other day, I noticed a nasty case of dark roots with hideous gray wire poking through. I immediately made an appointment with Hubert, my colorist. In the past I have experimented with drug-store rinses, but they weren't strong enough to coat the coarse gray strands. And before I discovered Hubert, I tried a succession of less-expensive colorists whose efforts to camouflage the gray turned my hair either too dark or too red. Fortunately, Hubert the genius got it just right, and I've been going to him religiously for years. The problem is, Hubert works in a fancy French salon, a single process costs $180, those damn roots sprout like clockwork, and we're in a killer recession.

I asked Hubert if the economic downturn has affected business at the fancy French salon. He confided that many customers have lost their jobs and several lost their life savings to Bernard Madoff, the Ponzi scheme swindler. "I guess they can't come to the salon anymore, right?" I asked. "Oh, they still come," he said philosophically. "You can sell your home and downsize, but you HAVE to get your roots done."

This sounded ludicrous at first, but then I thought about my own cost-cutting campaign. Because of the financial crisis, I've lost significant income as a freelance writer, and I panicked as my stock market investments hemorrhaged. So I slashed my budget severely -- eliminating travel, avoiding restaurants, eschewing taxis, and resisting the urge to buy clothes, shoes, earrings, picture frames -- in short, any non-essential. I even keep the thermostat in my home at a bracing 64 degrees. Yet today I gratefully plunked down $180 for that root touch-up, and while I was at it I threw in another $50 to have my unkempt brows shaped by the Eyebrow Lady, another genius at the salon. With tax and tips, I spent nearly $300. But I looked and felt great. There are some luxuries a girl can't do without, even in a recession.

New Year's Eve Tips for Singles

2008-12-28T08:55:00.000-08:00

Sue’s New Year’s Eve suggestions for singles are great. Here are some additional tips gathered from three single friends.

Kristi routinely turns down her girlfriends’ invitations to New Year’s Eve dinner in favor of her own quiet celebratory ritual. Way in advance, she schedules herself for a manicure, pedicure, facial, Shiatsu massage, and workout session with a personal trainer, followed by her regular Hatha yoga class. At the end of the day, Kristi feels self-indulgent and exhausted in a very satisfying way. She is rested, relaxed, and ready for good night’s sleep. She has a light dinner and a long soak in the tub, curls up with a book and a glass of wine, and before she knows it, she has to get up and get moving to get to her yoga instructor’s two- hour special New Year’s morning session for his diehard pupils, which is followed by a really great guilt-free vegan brunch.

When Monica first got divorced, she went for counseling and the advice she got was to be proactive and do what the opposite sex likes to do, so Monica joined the local ski club which is co-ed and largely made up of single men. Every New Year’s Eve, the ski club has an early pot luck dinner. The party breaks up no later than midnight, though most ski club members want to be in bed by 10 since the next morning at 4:30 a.m., they all have to be on a chartered bus with their gear, ready to spend New Year’s Day on the slopes.

Kathy always spends New Year’s Eve babysitting for her nieces and nephews. She has all five of them in her apartment for a giant pizza party and sleepover. They watch vintage horror movies after the littlest ones are tucked in to their sleeping bags. The next day, the kids’ parents drop by in mid-afternoon to retrieve them. As a reward, her grateful siblings chip in and send Kathy to a full-service spa the following weekend.

However you choose to spend your New Year's Eve, we wish you a very Happy New Year!

Divorced on New Year's Eve

2008-12-26T18:37:00.001-08:00

For several years after my husband and I separated, the day I dreaded most was New Year's Eve. I feared parties because I imagined that the moment the ball dropped, everyone in the room would grab their beloved and start smooching while I stood awkwardly alone. But my anticipation was always worse than the night itself.

My ex moved out five years ago this December, and for that first New Year's Eve, my wonderful daughter -- then a college senior -- thoughtfully planned a party at our house so I wouldn't face the night alone. She spent all day making hors d'oeuvres, involving me in the preparations, and filled our home with her chatty, adorable friends to keep me company. I can't thank her enough, though I was too freaked out to express my gratitude at the time. I don't remember how I stumbled through the holiday during the next few years, but I'll never forget that the moment midnight struck, each of my kids invariably called me from wherever they were to wish me a Happy New Year and tell me they loved me. That went a very long way.

If you're recently separated or divorced and are fortunate enough to regard the holiday as just another night of the year, you'll survive it easily by settling in with a good book or DVD. But if you can't quite convince yourself that the night is ordinary, then make plans with a few single girlfriends. Invite them over for a pot-luck dinner and a viewing of "The First Wives Club" or the original black-and-white version of "The Women." Or go out with them to a movie or comedy club. Before you know it, you'll realize that the holiday is, in fact, just another night -- and that every new year of your life really does get happier.

Blended Families at the Holidays

2008-12-23T08:33:00.000-08:00

Step-families, or blended families are tricky business at holiday time because of rigid custody schedules, a new step-mother or step-father in the house, and many other potential land mine factors. For parents, flexibility and understanding are key, and knowing that most kids will take a good long while to warm up when meeting new step-parents or step-siblings will help ease any adult hurt feelings.

Whenever birthdays or holidays arrive, the best solution is to create a fair and guilt-free schedule for the kids – they can celebrate Thanksgiving at mom’s house and Christmas Eve at dad’s house and reverse it on other years. Mother’s Day, however, should always see the biological children with their own mother, and the same goes for Father’s day. It’s a good idea to have these important days written in to a court ordered custody schedule, or added if you haven’t done so already. The custody schedule can prevent drama if everything is spelled out, even down to the hour. Whether or not you like the schedule, it will be clear and enforceable and will relieve the kids of any guilt.

Tip for being a great step mom or great step dad: have your step kids call their biological moms and dads on all of the holidays when they are in your custody. And pick up the phone yourself and wish your step-child’s mother or father a Happy Birthday, Happy Mother’s Day or Merry Christmas. It’s the right thing to do.

More Divorce Wedding Etiquette: Remember Whose Wedding It Is

2008-12-22T12:17:00.000-08:00

If you and your ex are still fuming at one another, there are bound to be glitches when you both have to share your daughter's or son's wedding day. Here are a few scenarios and suggestions:

"There is no way I will sit next to him".
That's fine. Nowhere is it written that divorced parents have to sit together.If they really can't stand each other, at the ceremony, the mother usually sits in the front row and the father in the row behind her. They can also be separated by seating them both in the front row with other relatives between them (like referees). At the reception, they can be seated at different tables,each with people they like.

What about the receiving line after the ceremony?
Do you have to tolerate your ex’s new spouse standing next to you? The receiving line format is up to bride and groom. Luckily, it is traditional that the only man in the receiving line is the groom, and this idea is the best bet for divorced parents.If both parents want to be in the receiving line but don't want to stand beside each other, then the line should go as follows: bride's mom, her new husband, groom's mom, groom's dad, bride’s dad, his new wife.

“I’m not going if he’s bringing her.”
You don’t want to threaten the kids or make them unhappy on their wedding day, but you truly can’t stand to be in the same room with your ex’s new wife since she's the one who broke up your family and threw your life into chaos. If you are adamant, chances are good that your son or daughter will bow to your wishes. The bridal couple has every right not to invite the "new better half". This is a day for family and if the kids are not close to their parent's new spouse and their inclusion will cause extra problems, then it's not worth it. Also if the bride’s father won't attend the wedding if he can't bring his wife/girlfriend, he has clearly made an unfortunate and rather stupid decision to bow out.

The main point is that the bride or groom lived through a lot of pain because of their parents’ divorce, so both parents should act like grownups, put aside their hostilities and narcissism, and try to do whatever is most important to the kids, even if that means dad has to leave his new wife at home or mom has to tolerate being in the same room with her.

Wedding Etiquette for Step-Parents

2008-12-22T07:40:00.000-08:00

When a parent of the bride or groom is divorced and remarried, what is the proper wedding behavior for the step-parent? My friend Lisa attended the wedding of her husband's daughter from his first marriage. Lisa took a back seat, literally. At the ceremony, she sat in the back along with the wedding guests rather than with the relatives and bridal party. She remained invisible during the ceremony, didn't stand on the receiving line, and didn't stick her face into in any family photos. That seems appropriate and sensitive behavior for most families. But in a case of egregious behavior, the stepfather of a young bride gallantly chipped in $30,000 to help pay for her wedding. That sounds nice, but years earlier this man -- let's call him Dave -- had been the home wrecker who had an adulterous affair with the bride's mother, who was then married to Dave's best friend and business partner. So Dave was instrumental in breaking up the bride's family, his own family -- each with teenage kids -- plus the business and longtime friendship with the bride's father. Even though Dave married their mother and moved in with them, the bride and her sister never forgave him and never came to like him. But at the wedding, emboldened by his generous contribution, Dave stood up and made a toast, addressing the bride's father as well as his own ex-wife. "It's high time that we let bygones be bygones," he announced.

The bride was enraged and her wedding was ruined as far as she was concerned. She and her sister had resented Dave ever since he joined their family, and over the years that took a toll on his marriage to their mother. But this was the straw that broke the camel's back, and Dave and their mom broke up soon thereafter.

Divorce Settlements for the Rest of Us

2008-12-17T09:11:00.000-08:00

Celebrities and their spouses may be getting huge divorce windfalls, but the average Jane is in deep financial tapioca if she’s negotiating a divorce settlement these days.

Julia has been a mostly stay-at-home mom with a part-time job selling real estate for the past 20 years. She loves the real estate job because its flexibility has allowed her to chauffeur her three daughters to their activities, be a Girl Scout troupe leader and volunteer for the PTA. Rob, her soon-to-be ex, until recently a big-time investment strategist, always said he loved her job too because Julia was able to be home in time put a hot meal on the table for the family every night.

The unraveling started with Rob becoming fatally attracted to Marisa, his running partner, a 35 year old single tri-athlete with a killer body, a Harvard MBA and a trust fund. He became so ga-ga (or so cagey, depending on your view),that he cut back on his financial consulting business to train for marathons all over the world with Marisa.
Now that he has successfully depleted his income along with the family’s savings, Rob has filed for divorce. Julia’s income is no longer considered the family’s “second income”. Even though the real estate market is all but dead, and she hasn’t been able to sell a house in six months, Rob’s divorce attorney is claiming that Julia should be supporting herself, the kids and the house, plus paying Rob alimony. This normally would seem like an outrageous crock that any judge would throw out of court without hesitation. However, since Rob’s vastly depleted income is in financial services, the employment area known to be the worst off, Julia’s lawyer has warned her that she’ll be looking at a good deal if she walks away with half the house and the obligation to support herself and the kids. And if the judge doesn’t order her to pay Rob any alimony, she’s supposed to consider herself lucky!

What Recession? A Whopper Divorce Settlement

2008-12-15T13:07:00.000-08:00

Madonna and Guy Ritchie worked out their divorce settlement. The pop star will pay her ex between $76 million and $92 million, according to her spokesman. The amount includes the value of their country home in western England as well as the couple's London pub, the Punchbowl.

"I'd assume it's one of the largest payouts ever in a divorce settlement," her spokesperson told the AP.

Even bigger than the 32 million POUNDS that Paul McCartney forked over to Heather Mills. And all that dough after Guy Ritchie stated repeatedly that he didn't want anything from Madonna because he was a successful film director in his own right. Guess he changed his mind.

A Marriage Made in Hell

2008-12-15T11:17:00.000-08:00

Why is it that some of the world’s worst marriages last on and on like the Energizer Bunny?
Here’s one for example:

Posy and Jacques, her French husband, have been married now for 18 years. They met when Posy was researching an article on where to stay in the Bahamas for a travel magazine and Jacques was managing a four star resort and aggressively looking for a fifth star.
Moving to the city from an adjacent state,Posy had attended a two year college in New York. Three days into her first semester at age 18, she began a five year affair with a 60 year old married professor. When he dropped dead of a heart attack, her family actually celebrated. She bounced back quickly, and immediately took up with another married guy, the editor of a major travel magazine. By and by his wife discovered the tryst, and the editor offered Posy a long-term assignment in the Caribbean.
Not being one to waste any time, her first night in the Bahamas she sidled up to Jacques at the hotel bar and accepted his invitation to sleep with him in the manager’s suite. Jacques was a mere ten years older than she is, and single, not her usual fare, but he was French and handsome. Besides, she got to pocket the expense money from the magazine by staying with him. Three months later, they were married on the beach and he was well on his way to getting the Green Card he coveted. Her parents were relieved that he was younger than them and had never been married to anyone except their daughter. Which they knew because they paid to have a background check done on him.

Posy now works for an Asian luxury hotel chain and travels 40 weeks of the year, maintaining long term relationships with boyfriends in three different Asian cities. Jacques is CEO of a consulting business he set up a half dozen years ago in their suburban basement, attempting to place professional hotel managers at luxury resorts. So far he has had two or three interested clients, but no interest from the hotels. So, while he and Posy wait for his business to take off, he has started a small French language private tutoring institute in his home. He students are mostly the stay at home wives of wealthy Korean and Japanese businessmen. One of his students recently gave birth to a Eurasian child, a clone of Jacques, which despite the mother’s entreaties, Jacques insisted was not his. Her husband sent her and the baby packing back to her family in Korea. This was fine with Jacques, because his true love is the gorgeous young wife of a Japanese comic book publisher. But, he’s not leaving Posy, even for his true love. Hey, he has his Green Card, and no wife around most of the time to bother him. She makes hundreds of thousands a year and he never has to sleep with her. Did we mention that as she has aged she has begun to closely resemble Kermit the Frog?
Posy consulted with a big time divorce attorney to explore leaving no-job Jacques, but her parents went ballistic. They told her that since Jacques has zero income, she’d be paying him alimony forever if they split.
So the blissful marriage lives on. And you could definitely say this lovely couple deserves one another.

Divorce Survival Tips

2008-12-15T08:45:00.000-08:00

This Friday, December 19th, we'll be on the Morning Show with Rachel and Jeff on WTIC-Fox in Hartford between 8 and 9 a.m. We'll touch on the following survival tips from STILL HOT.

1. It's not your fault if your husband left you for his 22-year-old yoga instructor.

(So don't believe his charges that you drove him away because you controlled the thermostat, smeared night cream on your face, and didn't let him floss in bed. His fling with the babe has everything to do with his fear of death and decrepitude.)

2. You'll learn that your girlfriends are either Betty's or Veronica's.

(You need to lean on them, but you'll quickly find out that some get an A and a few deserve an F. The A girlfriend runs into your ex and tells you just what you wanted to hear: that he's gotten bald and fat. But the F pal reports back that he's gotten really buff and his girlfriend looks like Cameron Diaz.)

3. Change your image from soccer-mom stodgy to single-mom sexy.

(By going shopping with your teenage daughter and letting her swap your frumpy sweats for tank tops and form-fitted skirts. And be sure to toss your white cotton granny panties.)

4. Those internet dating profiles can be a crock of cow dung.

(They're inflated, misstated and self-deluded, but with practice and our book, you'll learn to decode them. For instance, if he describes himself as "cuddly," he has a 50-inch waist. If he's been told he's "very handsome," it's by his mother. And never underestimate the power of Photoshop to erase bad teeth and multiple chins.)

5. Beware if the guy you're dating is totally bald, but there's a hairdryer and conditioner in his bathroom.

(Mr. Wrong comes in two varieties: the Player and the Loser. The player is described above; you might also find a lavender thong between his sheets or a lacey camisole in his closet. No matter what he says, they're not his mother's. The loser's idea of a long-term relationship is six weeks, and you have to kick four laundry bags out of the way to enter his apartment, where you'll find his extensive porn collection.)

6. You haven't moved on if you're obsessed with your ex and his new babe -- and whether hers are saline, silicone, or spectacular. (Totally silicone.)

(It's cathartic to indulge in spiteful fantasy, but you need to focus on rebuilding your own life and putting him and his young cupcake behind you. Even though, yes, hers are definitely fake and that's probably not her original nose.)

Divorce: Two Lives Under One Roof

2008-12-12T09:34:00.000-08:00

There are now a number of divorced couples who are living together, stuck leading totally separate lives under the same greatly depreciated roof. Because real estate sales are at a standstill, these couples can’t split the revenue from the sale of their jointly-owned house, move out, and move on.

Take Pete, aka “the soup guy,” for instance. Bette-Ann met Pete in her divorced singles discussion group. Although, she had pledged to herself not to date anyone in her group, he was nice, funny friendly and persistent, and she gave in. Pete’s idea of a fun date was to take a long walk together, then go grocery shopping and bring all the ingredients back to Bette-Ann’s house and cook up a fabulous pot of soup. Bette-Ann who had never had a man make a meal for her in her life, except that time when she was four and her mom gave birth to her younger sister and her dad made her peanut butter sandwiches, was enthralled. For the first 3 dates. Then it wore a little thin, and she let Pete know she wouldn’t mind going out for dinner and a movie. As a matter of fact, she’d go Dutch. She just wanted to get out of her house for a change. Not to mention that because he was doing the cooking, she always felt obligated to wash the dishes plus his soup pot, which was no break at all from her daily routine. So, Pete agreed to a movie and dinner date. Once. Then he resumed the soup routine.
Bette-Ann began to wonder why Pete never wanted to make soup at his place. So she asked, and here is what she learned: Pete and his ex had been divorced for three years, but they had a huge mortgage on their two bedroom condo and no buyers. Neither could afford to move out without the money from the sale of the condo. A year and a half after the divorce was final, Pete’s ex had finally invited her new boyfriend to move in. With his 160 pound Old English Mastiff. Which Pete was allergic to. Not to mention that the boyfriend has custody of six year old twins with ADD on alternate weekends.
Hearing this harrowing tale, Bette-Ann was terrified that one day Pete would appear at her doorstep with his soup pot and his suitcase and try to move in, so she dumped him. Since then she’s seen about 15 movies and hasn’t had one bowl of soup.

Divorce and the Recession

2008-12-12T07:58:00.000-08:00

The recession appears to have a two-pronged effect on the divorce rate, forcing less-affluent couples to stay together while giving wealthier ones a reason to split.

Experts agree that when cash is tight, marital problems spike. In some cases, money is the cushion that supports the relationship, and when it disappears, couples are left with the bare bones of a not-so-happy union. Moreover, financial problems increase strife, stress and depression, all of which put a severe strain on marriages.

These factors could lead to a rise in the divorce rate. In addition, with the stock market tanking, wealthy business owners who are now poorer on paper see this as an opportune time to divide assets. Sumner Redstone filed for divorce when his 16 million Viacom shares were at $18.85, down from $39.40 six months ago, and his CBS shares had dropped about $288 million in value. His wife got millions less than she would have had he filed six months earlier.

But for people who are not wealthy, divorce is a luxury they cannot afford. The disastrous real-estate market is leaving many homeowners with no equity in their homes and turning what would normally be their biggest marital asset into a liability. Or at the very least, it's impossible to sell the marital home for enough money to finance two new households and monthly child support. Retirement accounts have plunged in value. People who have lost jobs have no choice but to stick with the spouse who can provide medical benefits. And people can’t get a credit card or personal loan to pay attorney fees because the lending market is so tight. As a result, some couples are choosing to live together as estranged roommates. And maybe, if they're lucky, they just might weather the storm.

Still Hot Interview in Hartford,CT

2008-12-08T19:38:00.000-08:00

Still Hot fans in the Hartford area, we'll be in your neighborhood this week! Tune in to NBC 30 CT News Today at 11AM
On Thursday, December 11th!

Dating: Fresh Direct = Fresh + Direct

2008-12-05T11:59:00.000-08:00

Like many of us, after her divorce Liz found herself happily losing some excess pounds, but after a while she realized that she really wasn’t eating enough and that in fact she was hardly eating anything at all on the alternate weekends when her kids were with their dad.

This fall, after a year of bad eating habits, surviving whole weekends on coffee,a large candy bar and a bottle of wine, she pledged that she would cook for herself and for friends on those lonely childless weekends, so she signed up with Fresh Direct and placed an order heavy on the healthy food groups.

The delivery arrived on Friday evening just after she had kissed the kids goodbye. The young, handsome and very buff delivery guy easily carried her three heavy boxes up the four flights to her loft. Liz had fixed herself a cup of tea and thought it would be polite to offer him one as well. He was pleased to have an opportunity to warm up on a chilly autumn night and they chatted for a while.

Two weeks later when the same delivery guy brought her order, Liz had just started to pour herself a glass of wine. Again, she politely offered and again he accepted. Only this time, after they each had a second glass of wine and then somehow the bottle was empty, they found themselves making out on her couch.

Both feeling smitten, they spoke on the phone daily after that first make-out session. Two more weeks passed and this time they ended up in her bed. It must have been pretty good, because rather than wait for two more weeks, Liz placed her order to arrive 5 days later on Wednesday night when the kids were sleeping at their dad’s. This pattern continued. The Fresh Direct guy always came with flowers or perfume for Liz in addition to her grocery order, and she stopped tipping at his insistence.

Liz began to gain weight. She was cooking up a storm. Her kids began to gain weight, though they complained that she served them too many green vegetables. Her friends began to gain weight. She was having groceries delivered every time her kids were out of the house. And she felt that this kind of “dating” was exactly what she needed at the moment – satisfying and very low maintenance.

One day, though, Liz received a phone call from an irate woman, screaming and cursing death threats at her. Before she hung up, shaken, she realized that the Fresh Direct guy’s “fiancée” had become suspicious and found Liz’ number on his cell phone.

Liz cut off the Fresh Direct deliveries ASAP. She deleted the guy’s number from her cell and refused all of his calls. He showed up at her loft a couple of times with flowers and chocolates and even tried to bring her a free Thanksgiving turkey, but she refused to buzz him in.

She has taken off five pounds even in the midst of the holidays and the kids are happy to be back on pizza and Chinese take-out. Liz regrets only that she’ll probably never have such a convenient relationship again.

Alimony, child-support, and the new girlfriend

2008-12-03T07:22:00.001-08:00

Last night a friend told me about a woman who recently separated from her husband, a compulsive gambler. She immediately traded in that addiction for a new boyfriend who has a drinking problem. Even worse, she moved in with said man within six months of meeting him, and is now heavily advising him on his divorce litigation. Specifically, she is leaning on him to curtail the amount of alimony and child support that he'll pay to his ex-wife and kids. Yet this woman, who has kids of her own, could be in the very same position! In fact, my friend warned her, "How would you like it if your husband had a new girlfriend who did that to you?" If you're dating a separated guy, stay out of his divorce settlement!

By the way, here are a few additional money-saving tips:

1. If you're divorced, sell your old wedding dress on Craig's list, eBay, or through a consignment shop. (Assuming your daughter doesn't want the gown's doomed karma.)

2. Ditto for the wedding rings.

3. Cut down on the lattes -- they add up wallet- and calorie-wise.

4. Instead of buying a bottle of water every time you feel thirsty, save a few plastic bottles and refill them before you leave the house.

5. Don't get conned into buying fancy, expensive facial soaps. Remember, they're only on your skin for a few seconds. A bar of Basis soap, available at the drug store for less than $3, will do your complexion just fine.

Divorcee Wisdom:Recession Fashion Tips

2008-11-30T17:45:00.000-08:00

Those of us who have been divorced learned to deal with losing half of our income and our savings well before the current economic squeeze. Here are a half dozen time-honored money saving tips from divorcees which will come in handy for all women in these recessionary times.

1.Do your own fingers and toes. A bottle of Chanel nail polish is a splurge at $19 but look at what you are saving by skipping the nail salon.

2.Maybelline Great Lash is the #1 best selling mascara and retails for about $4.25.

3.Rather than heading for the salon every time you see your roots growing in, pick up a box of Clairol Nice ‘N Easy Root Touch Up for about $6.29 and stretch out the time between professional coloring sessions.

4.Shop regularly at Zara, H&M and Target for inexpensive pieces to keep your wardrobe looking new. There are plenty of age-appropriate selections available. Just avoid the mini- skirts and the baby doll tops.

5.Get over the label snobbery with your jeans. Don’t spend a fortune on denim. Old Navy has every style at $34.50.

6.Host a clothing swap. Invite four friends to each bring a friend or two. A total of a dozen women of varying sizes is ideal. Everyone should come with 3-4 pieces of clothing she doesn’t want any more, plus accessories. Have a full length mirror handy and ask everyone to be honest with each other. I picked up one of my favorite pieces, an Armani blouse, at a swap last year.

Divorce, dating, and women of all ages

2008-11-25T06:13:00.000-08:00

Following a feature on the world's largest pinata, we had a chance to talk about Still Hot, our humor book about divorce and dating, on The 10 Show in Philadelphia. Most of the people who worked at the station were quite young, so we were struck by their interest in our topic. During our make-up session before the interview, the make-up artist -- a beautiful woman in her late thirties -- discussed her own divorce five years ago and the engagement she had just ended in the nick of time. She explained that after her divorce, she had leaped into a love affair on the rebound. Though the invitations for her second wedding were already in the mail, she was relieved that she had at least avoided a second divorce. Then the pretty 22-year-old assistant who escorted us to the studio complained about the difficulty and confusion of dating for young singles like herself, no less for middle-aged divorcees who are brand-new to "the game." Divorce and dating are difficult trials for all women -- and for men as well.

Still Hot on TV in Philadelphia

2008-11-23T14:12:00.000-08:00

Dear Still Hot blog fans,
If you live in the Philadelphia area, tune in to WCAU-NBC Channel 4 on Monday morning November 24th. Still Hot will be featured on The 10 Show with Bill Henley and Lori Wilson.
See you there!
Linda and Sue

Guest Bloggers Invited

2008-11-23T07:13:00.000-08:00

If you have a relationship story you'd like to share, e-mail it to us at: stillhotblog@yahoo.com. We'll review it and post it. Please note that all guest blogs are subject to editing.
We look forward to posting your stories!
Linda and Sue

Internet Dating: A Scary Story

2008-11-21T10:34:00.000-08:00

We've joked about how online dating introduces you to the world of geeks, neurotics, and big fat liars, and occasionally it can even lead to Mr. Right. But a piece in today's New York Times reminded me of the dark side of internet dating, and it doesn't hurt to remind others.

A soldier who was stationed in Colorado met a woman online and, for their first date, took her to the mountains overlooking Colorado Springs. There, he blindfolded and raped her, and then slit her throat. I hate to spread the bad news, but please, anybody who reads this blog: when you meet a guy through the internet, make sure that your first few dates are in a public place. That doesn't mean a picnic in the park or a ride on his boat; it means a restaurant or a Starbucks or a walk on city streets where there are lots of other people around. Drive to the meeting place yourself -- don't get in his car. Don't invite him back to your home. And don't give him your last name, home phone number, or address. Do this until you feel certain that he is normal and trustworthy. If he's a good guy, he won't mind. And no exceptions, no matter how charming he seems. Ninety-nine percent of the men you'll meet through internet dating are harmless, but you can't tell who might be that in that scary one percent.

Vicarious Internet Dating

2008-11-19T12:05:00.000-08:00

Internet dating has even struck a chord with happily married Jewish mothers!

My friend Joy has been married to Lou for nearly forty years and she adores him. She wants nothing less than the same sort of relationship that she and Lou share for their children. When their son Jesse turned 35 and remained a single ski bum living in Aspen, making a living as a ski instructor and taking photo portraits of vacationers at the mountain top, Joy decided she had to do something to get him matched up, and fast.

Jesse, a good looking athletic guy, dated frequently, mostly bunny-slopers who were gone and never heard from again after their week’s vacation. Of course, he was perfectly happy with these no-strings-attached so-called relationships. Taking what she saw as desperate matters into her own hands, and assuming her son’s identity, Joy registered on JDate and filled out a questionnaire. She received a few eligible matches, each living within a few hours of Aspen. By emailing back and forth with these young women, writing what she thought Jesse would, or sometimes SHOULD,say, she weeded out the rest, and felt satisfied that one young woman, Jodi, was just perfect for Jesse. So she asked for Jodi’s phone number, gathered up her courage and approached her son.

Jesse was furious at first--as in “Just how intrusive can you get, Mom”? But then, she showed him Jodi’s photo and the email exchanges. He was intrigued, and with a little coaxing agreed to make the call.

Long story short, two years later Jodi and Jesse got married. They moved back East to live near Joy and Lou who reluctantly but loyally babysit for the kids' Rotweiller puppy while keeping their fingers crossed for human grandchildren soon, as the young and happy couple returns to Aspen for a winter ski vacation each year.

Hmmm… looks like there’s something to be said here for nosy moms and arranged marriages…

Rebound madness

2008-11-18T17:10:00.000-08:00

Here's another tale of rebound lunacy. My friend Lynn, freshly separated after a long marriage, dived right into online dating and emerged with a successful psychiatrist. Steve lived in a beautiful home with a pool overlooking the beach. The chemistry was flirtatious and romantic right off the bat -- just what Lynn needed to feel sexy and back in the game -- and things quickly turned serious. Steve was a fantastic lover, and Lynn was smitten. But there were a few troubling signs. The first time she visited his house, she discovered a complete woman's wardrobe that filled one side of the master-bedroom closet. He explained that the dresses, pumps, sneakers and slacks belonged to a former girlfriend who never bothered to retrieve them. Another time, while skinny-dipping in his pool, she spotted a bikini top lying across a chaise lounge. Steve offhandedly explained that it belonged to his neighbor, who liked to use his pool. Lynn accepted that explanation, not questioning how the neighbor managed to walk home topless.

Another time a woman answered the phone when she called his house. Steve said it was his cleaning woman -- though Lynn distinctly felt that the voice didn't belong to a housekeeper. Then she found a hamper by his bedroom door, full of his freshly laundered, neatly folded clothing. And right on top, several pairs of women's panties. Again the cleaning woman! He explained that she sometimes mixed her laundry in with his.

Finally, when they were lying in his bed one night, she found a lavender thong between the sheets. He explained that the darned cleaning woman must have gotten her underwear caught in his sheets in the dryer and unwittingly made the bed with it stuck inside. Lynn was getting mighty suspicious. (It only took her eight months longer than it would the average idiot!) Still, she chose to believe him when he left town for a week to visit his sick sister, calling Lynn daily from "the hospital" to report on his sister's dire condition.

She later learned that his sister was quite healthy, and that he was actually on vacation with another woman in South Beach. And that the wardrobe in his closet, the bikini top, the panties, the lavender thong, and the voice that answered his phone all belonged to that steady girlfriend of four years. Lynn managed to contact her and compare notes: Sure enough, whenever Lynn visited Steve on weekends, he instructed her to arrive on Friday evening and leave promptly at 11 a.m. Saturday morning. And he told his girlfriend to arrive at exactly noon every Saturday. Steve had been screwing them back-to-back every weekend for the past year. To top it off, he had planned a two-week vacation for himself, inviting Lynn to join him for the first week and his girlfriend for the second. When Lynn asked him what he would do by himself for the second week, he said, "Oh, I'll read some magazines." But the girlfriends foiled his fantasy retreat by simultaneously dumping him. Apparently he really did read those magazines.

Sadly, a year later Lynn learned that the girlfriend had gone back to him. Moral of the story: (1) there's always a woman out there who's more desperate than you are, and (2)shrinks are fine for therapy, but avoid dating them.

Dating Hideous Men

2008-11-13T14:05:00.000-08:00

How many of us have dated hideous men while on the rebound? And I don’t mean physically ugly guys who could be sweet. I mean hideous men with hearts of coal.

Recently Sally’s true love built her a new desk which led to cleaning out her files and reviewing every piece of paper she had hoarded for the past 20 years. She came across a journal entry from back when, around the time of her divorce, she had dated a horrible man who she found “interesting” because he collected art and because people were in awe of his spending power and invited him to all sorts of cool places.
One night, after downing a couple of dirty martinis, he decided to share his life philosophy with her. She was so appalled that she went home and entered his monologue in her journal and here it was ten years later:

“I know I’m a brilliant art collector. You know how I know? Because people hate me, and I love that. I know what I like and I know what moves me. I know everything there is to know about color and shape and emotion and I told this artist his work was just not doing it for me and he said ‘You know you really are a dick-head like they say.’
I knew then that my status as a collector was complete and that I was enough of a bastard to be a dealer because nothing could give me greater pleasure than ripping off some stupid artist who can paint but knows nothing about money.”

About a week after that journal entry, Sally went on a ski trip to Utah with this charming fellow. She still found him interesting, though years later she can’t really remember why.
Somehow in the airport bustle, he managed to lose his plane ticket and started to panic. Sally asked him gently, ”Where do you remember having it last?”
He went ballistic and started screaming “Shut up. Shut up! You are not my mother!" And he jumped up and down like a troll, with a crowd beginning to gather to see if they could help. Undeterred and unembarrassed, he stomped and tantrummed, and as the fervor of his fit increased, everything fell out of his pockets including his ticket. Sally picked it up and handed it to him and he never said a word about the incident again. And yes, she continued to date him for another two months!

On the rebound: deaf, DUMB, and blind

2008-11-11T11:44:00.001-08:00

That reminds me of my idiotic rebound relationship, which I lurched into about five minutes after my husband moved out. How many signs can a person ignore? I dated the divorced father of my son's best friend. My son warned me: "He's not a good guy, Mom." I didn't raise an eyebrow. On my first date with the guy, he informed me that he had cheated on his wife and that he was a narcissist. I thought, how touchingly honest and penitent. On our second date, he rattled off the names of all his ex-girlfriends -- approximately ten since his divorce -- and there was something wrong with each and every one. I congratulated myself on not being flawed like them. He remarked that he was seeing another woman and would have to break up with her so he and I could move forward. Fine with me! On our third date, he told me about how an ex-gf had stalked him and pulled a gun on him. I was horrified and declared her a psycho. When we started dating regularly, he told me he could see me on Friday or Saturday evenings, but not both, because his 17-year-old son liked to hang with Dad on weekend nights. Now, I knew his son, and he was a hip kid with lots of friends, but still I bought this line. I hung in there, desperately in love, until he finally dumped me. Even then, it took a few weeks for me to figure out that he had never broken up with his previous girlfriend, so he was seeing us simultaneously -- me on Friday night and her on Saturday -- while his teenage son was out with his pals.

Rebound Relationships: Listen to the Warnings

2008-11-05T15:05:00.000-08:00

While Sally was in the process of divorcing, several months after she realized her husband had moved on with his life and was never coming back, she began dating and felt lucky to finally meet an interesting, funny man who knew more than she did about her main interest, art. The relationship was a great diversion from the drawn out divorce process and from facing the fact that her husband preferred his twenty something year old teaching assistant to her.
Being on the rebound wasn’t so bad, she thought. After a month of dating this interesting fellow, Sally introduced him to her lifelong friend who was in town visiting from Atlanta.
The next day her friend left Sally a terse, two-word voicemail: “Ladies man.” Sally shrugged this off. She was too taken with this fellow who routinely kissed her passionately in the middle of the sidewalk.
A few months later, they booked a trip together to a beautiful Caribbean island where his good friends spend their winters. As Sally waded in the warm turquoise water with this couple, his best friends for a decade, as he went off snorkeling, they said, “You seem like such a nice girl. Just watch out.”
She asked what they meant and they both said “Just be careful. Don’t get hurt.” She told them she didn’t know him well enough to get hurt. But one month later, when he ditched her at a party so he could sleep with the hostess, an artist attired only in elbow length evening gloves, whose artwork involved pinning living butterflies to her canvases, Sally sobbed for weeks on end.

Internet Adultery

2008-10-30T06:04:00.000-07:00

The OW who crossed my path had already had five or six adulterous flings under her belt, so to speak. I have to give her credit for her perseverance, because she managed to accomplish all that during a 12-year marriage and while caring for her two young children. Eventually she zeroed in on a wealthy older man -- also married with kids -- and their affair spiraled into a domestic drama worthy of Tolstoy. These two, whom I often think of as Bonnie and Clyde, left devastation in their wake, blowing up their marriages, wrecking two families and leaving their children in emotional turmoil for years to come.

Their affair had been largely conducted through secret email accounts, lovey-dovey instant-messages, and clandestine cell phone calls, particularly because they lived a couple thousand miles apart. I was interested to see that a new study, reported in the New York Times, found that infidelity is on the rise, especially among older men and young couples -- a demographic that matches the above-described duo. Moreover, the study found that growing numbers of these affairs are centered on electronic contact.

"I see a changing landscape in which the emphasis is less on the sex than it is on the openness and intimacy and the revelation of secrets," says one marriage therapist. "Everybody talks by cell phone and the relationship evolves because you become increasingly distant from whomever you lie to, and you become increasingly close to whomever you tell the truth to."

Food for thought. While it's no surprise that the new technology fuels illicit fantasies and infatuations, perhaps the biggest danger is the lying and secrecy that it enables, driving a growing wedge between spouses that becomes, in effect, a self-fulfilling prophecy.

The Other Woman

2008-10-27T12:46:00.000-07:00

Ever since I was a teenager, I have been addicted to Vogue Magazine. I study the photo spreads as religiously as other women might study the Bible or the Qu’ran. However, in all my years as a Vogue devotee, I have rarely actually read an article. But this month, I had to read every word of the article entitled “The Ex Factor” by Anne Taylor Fleming, who, as an eighteen year old, became involved with a forty year old married man who left his wife for her in 1969. They have been married ever since.

Who are these Other Women, anyway? I needed to know who would admit to this heinous behavior which breaks all the codes. And why. And what’s inside her head. And how guilty is she? Did she realize how much damage she did in breaking up a family? Would she do it over again? Is being really young an excuse? Is it possible to naively not know any better?

What resonates particularly badly with me about Anne Taylor Fleming is that as she supposedly grieved at the funeral of her husband’s former wife, the woman whose family she had destroyed many years before, she regretted she had never taken the opportunity to thank this woman for giving her a family “and making room in it for a ridiculously young second wife”. No real qualms. Nothing about how her four stepsons, one barely five years younger than Fleming, had to cope. Just pure narcissism.

My familiarity with OW’s began with my college roommate Deb whose relationship with her married boss was chronicled in a previous blog entry. Deb was truly in some sort of la-la land and never had a clue. All she knew was that she loved her boss with all her heart and that she believed he loved her, and so she couldn’t understand why his wife didn’t just release him as if he were a caged parakeet.

The next OW to cross my path was Peg who was a serial husbandizer, a single woman who dated married men exclusively, one after the other until—briing!—her reproductive alarm clock went off, and she arranged for her tryst of the moment to turn into an ugly divorce case so she could marry the guy and have a baby. It all turned out according to her plan.

And then there’s Madame X, the Massachusetts midget, who has made a habit over the past twenty years of breaking up marriages just to feel special. To be honest, once she wrecks a home, she does tend to marry most of the guys, but every now and then she flips one of the scrawnier fish with a flatter wallet back into the water.

I had a conversation with a young friend whose mother recently disclosed that in her twenties she had been an OW for several years before becoming dissatisfied and moving to Paris. Having lived the life of an OW, she recognized a good guy when she met one and immediately married the first one who came along. That was well over 30 years ago. It’s great that when she did settle down, she was able to marry a wonderful man, but I wonder what her daughter thinks of her OW history back in the day.

Need-based love

2008-10-24T07:32:00.001-07:00

That's what these rebound relationships are all about, right? Women who are driven to "fall in love" out of neediness and desperation. The result is usually blindness to the man's character, and ugly surprises down the road.

Ever since her divorce, my friend Polly has jumped from one rebound relationship to the next. This is because she can't be without a boyfriend for more than two weeks. Every time a heavy, deeply involved relationship ends, she manages to pop up in another one within two weeks. About a year ago she hastily and eagerly dived into a live-in relationship after the guy she had been dating for a month took her on a romantic, extravagant trip to Venice replete with champagne and candlelit sunken tub, and showered her with Mahnolo Blaniks. How this could be the piece de resistance that would catapult anyone into a serious relationship is beyond me, given that any guy with a few bucks could do it. It reveals nothing about his character except that he is perhaps a spendthrift.

In any event, she sold her home, sold off her furniture, and moved into his apartment. I thought he displayed some early signs of thuggish and controlling behavior, but that eluded her. As time went by, however, she saw that he had a Jekyll and Hyde personality. One day he plied her with Ferragamo's and Jimmy Choo's, the next day he'd get angry and curse her out in a shockingly coarse way, calling her "slut," "whore" and the C word. The following day he was all contrition, offering to do whatever she wanted, which she found irresistibly endearing. This continued for more than a year. At one point he threw her out of the apartment during a fight, even though she was paying half the rent and no longer had a home to return to. He even confiscated her cell phone and barred her from using the computer so she wouldn't be able to find a place to go.

But sure enough, he later apologized and she moved back in. After several more months of abuse she finally ended the relationship. And guess what? Within two weeks she went online and resurfaced in another one, with yet another guy she'd known for about a month. She never looks back look enough to analyze this pattern -- she just cruises right along to the next boyfriend. She has even criticized me for being too picky and critical of the men I've met online. Well, I call it being discriminating, and while it's left me without a boyfriend for long periods of time, I'd rather have it that way.

Rebound Relationships: Out of the Frying Pan, into the Fire

2008-10-21T11:49:00.000-07:00

That “Dark Side” business is scary. Most of us think any fairly intelligent woman would know her new mate well enough before she moved in with him so as not to find certain aspects of his character totally surprising, but obviously that’s not always the case.

Here is a cautionary real-life tale:

Fresh from a failed second marriage, and never one to spend more than two minutes alone without a man in her life, Maxine met Jim and fell for him right away. Her first two husbands were Jewish guys, one a dentist, the other a lawyer, each from a background similar to Maxine’s. Jim was different and seemed exotic to her. He had studied to become a priest but dropped out of the seminary, got drafted and sent to Vietnam, immediately married his high school sweetheart upon his discharge, and had three sons before he turned 25.
By the time Maxine met him, he had left his wife years before, and had recently broken up with a long-term live-in girlfriend, and claimed to be an entrepreneur as the president of an Internet music company.
After a short while, he moved into Maxine’s condo, and they enjoyed their life together. He worked from home, making weekly overnight trips to Baltimore where he said his company was headquartered. They were both Francophiles studied French together. They saved up money and bought a pied-a-terre in Paris. Maxine started a business with her three best friends, and she was appointed treasurer. When Jim volunteered to keep the books for her business, she was delighted.
Time went on and she wanted to get married, but Jim insisted that they were as good as married anyway, and that marriage might ruin their wonderful relationship. Maxine’s daughter and Jim’s sons were good friends, and in a modern take on combined families, when Maxine’s daughter got married, Maxine’s second husband and Jim walked down the aisle as did Maxine and the biological father. Maxine’s daughter considered Jim her “third Dad”.
Long story short, six months after the daughter's wedding, Maxine discovered that Jim had mortgaged her apartment, raided her business of all of its capital, maxed out her credit cards, and cleaned out her retirement accounts. When he walked in the door, she was in hysterics. She asked him how he could do this to her. He told her he was sorry, that he couldn’t help himself, that he had a drug problem and that he was ashamed to admit it, but he’d done the same thing to his prior girlfriend. And, as an aside-- by the way, he had never divorced his first wife who was living in--yes-- Baltimore. Maxine came toward him shrieking as anybody who had simultaneously lost her boyfriend, her life savings, her equity, and her business might do, and he immediately took off out the window and down the fire escape never to be seen or heard from again, except in court. By then, he claimed to be bankrupt and destitute, and there was no hope of recovering a cent.
To top it all off, Maxine’s business partners, previously her three best friends, lost their money because she allowed Jim to manage the checkbook. They were not feeling forgiving.They stopped talking to Maxine-- except in court where they attempted to have her repay their losses. I liked Maxine a lot, but because my best friend was one of those former business partners, I can never speak to her again either.

Marrying on the rebound

2008-10-20T18:21:00.000-07:00

On the subject of internet dating, my friend Cathy met her second husband online. Her first husband had walked out to move in with his girlfriend, and Cathy was blindsided. She was so distraught that for the first six months she was heavily sedated and took to her bed, didn't go to work, couldn't pick up her kids from school. After six months she began seeing a therapist who insisted she kick-start her social life. So she signed on to an internet dating site, met a few guys, and within weeks fell in love with a man who was, like her, recently separated. It was a fast, whirlwind love affair, and within a year she was sporting a huge rock and they were building a new house on the beach in North Carolina.

It took them a few years to get their divorces and complete the beach house. Once it was built, Cathy sold her New York home, left her job, and moved with her fiance to North Carolina to throw a splashy wedding and start their new life. They both found jobs, took wonderful trips together, and seemed idyllically happy and devoted. While I always suspected that they had rushed into their relationship -- with each clutching onto the other to avoid the pain and loneliness of divorce -- time proved that they were the rare exception to the usual fate of rebound relationships.

But three years into the marriage -- and eight years after they first met-- the rebound effect reared its ugly head. It turns out her new husband had a dark side that Cathy hadn't known about, and she asked him to move out. They are in the process of settling their divorce.

I felt terrible when I heard about it. But it helps explain why the divorce rate is so much higher the second time around, and it underscores the central message of our book: You have to go through the whole miserable process -- pain, anger, loneliness, transitional relationships, and the satisfaction of building a new life -- before you can pick out Mr. Right and be in a mature relationship that's not based on need. Blindly seizing on somebody doesn't work. I thought Cathy had lucked out, but it seems there are no short cuts.

Women Can be Internet Dating Weirdos Too !

2008-10-15T07:20:00.001-07:00

Women can be Internet dating weirdos too! Even our dear friends can behave a bit “off” when faced with dating strangers.
My friend Alison was e-mailing back and forth with a man she connected with through a dating site. After two weeks of clever, witty e-mail interchange, they spoke on the phone and she found him quite charming. Although she reads fashion magazines, romance novels and vampire fiction exclusively, and he reads history and economics, they agreed to meet at an arty book store. The plan was to browse and then go out for coffee. When Alison arrived outside the book store all done up in her Prada of the moment, she peered through the window and spotted a short, ugly, older fellow dressed in a shlumpy corduroy jacket and, certain that this must be her prospective date, she bolted for home.
Once she reached her apartment, she called the guy on his cell phone and immediately went on the attack: “Where were you? I was waiting for almost an hour and you didn’t show up. You stood me up. How dare you?”
The guy couldn’t get a word in edge-wise throughout her tirade. When she finished, he told her that he had arrived a half hour early and had been waiting for her ever since, and hadn’t seen her. He told her what he was wearing- sure enough it was the corduroy jacket. She retorted that she had seen no such person in any such jacket, and that he had stood her up and was too much of a coward to admit it, and then she slammed down the phone.
When I inquired why she had made it sound as if it was all his fault, she replied that it’s a lot better for his ego for him to think that she felt snubbed, than for her to be truthful and say that she caught sight of him and that he was too ugly and shlumpy for her to go ahead with the date!
Meanwhile, he could be the nicest guy in the world and she will never know. Two years later, she’s still looking for Mr. Right.

Internet Dating Weirdos

2008-10-14T18:12:00.000-07:00

Though I met a wonderful guy online, I still consider that outcome to be a fluke. He was on there hoping to meet just one woman who didn't lie, while I hated being on there so much that I refused to "play the game" and therefore didn't lie. Somehow we found each other, two needles in a haystack. But here's a story from a woman that strikes me as much more typical:

"Five minutes before my first meeting with a man I had met on a dating web site, he called to say that he couldn't keep our date -- he had just been hit by a bicycle and had landed in the emergency room. Something sounded off, so I called the hospital and was told that no such person was there. When I called him back, he insisted he was. Several weeks later, I spoke with a woman who also had a date with this man, and he canceled -- claiming he had just been hit by a bicycle. When I confronted him, he insisted that bike accidents aren't so unusual."

Isn't that the lamest excuse you ever heard?

Divorce and Custody of the KitchenAid Mixer

2008-10-12T12:17:00.000-07:00

Back to Mitch and his antics. When the court finally ordered him to vacate the marital home, it was only because he had been caught in flagrente entertaining his ‘ho in the bedroom he still shared with his wife of twenty years. Gross!!

Although he and his new girlfriend had been seeing one another on the sly for long enough to be making wedding plans in Aruba, despite the fact that both of them were currently married to other people, he still was reluctant to move out from the home he shared with his wife. As a matter of fact, on the day the judge ordered him to leave, he stamped his foot like Rumplestilskin and refused to go without, of all things, the KitchenAid mixer.

His wife was surprised. He had already loaded a moving van with anything and everything he could remotely call his, and here he was throwing a tizzy fit over the mixer. She had counted on using its pasta-making attachment that very evening to make dinner for friends so she wouldn’t feel so alone in the house once he left, but she decided she’d buy her pasta at Trader Joe's and end the tirade by just giving him the mixer.

Several days later her friend in spinning class said, “I thought Mitch was a CPA, but I hear he has a cockamamie new business going. He and the new girlfriend are baking cookies using a secret recipe, packaging them and selling them in office buildings all over Boston. They’re called Cookies by Mitch and the Bitch.”

The wife reported Mitch’s new source of hidden revenue to her divorce attorney.Shortly thereafter, she found a recipe card accidentally left in the kitchen cabinet with his secret recipe.

Mitch and the Bitch’s No-Longer Secret Cookie Recipe
Makes 4 dozen large cookies
A KitchenAid helps but you can even hand mix this recipe if you’d like.

Wet Ingredients:
4 sticks margarine or butter (Mitch is cheap and uses margarine)
2 cups sugar
2 cups dark brown sugar
4 eggs
2 tsps.vanilla

Dry Ingredients:
4 cups flour
4 cups oatmeal – ground
2 tsps. baking soda
2 tsps. baking powder
1 tsp. salt

one 8 oz. dark chocolate bar grated (use a high quality chocolate bar)
24 oz. chocolate chips

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

Instructions:
Cream sugar, brown sugar and margarine or butter.
Add eggs and vanilla.
Mix dry ingredients separately and then add dry ingredients to wet ingredients.
Mix in grated chocolate bar and chocolate chips.

Grease a cookie sheet.
Form golf-ball sized cookie dough balls and place on cookie sheet. Bake approximately 15 minutes. Cool.
Can be frozen and reheated in microwave.

Enjoy—courtesy of Mitch and the Bitch.

Who keeps the ring?

2008-10-10T08:12:00.000-07:00

With the economy tanking, people are worried about their homes, the stock market, the cost of food and gas, and . . . the question of who gets the engagement ring if the wedding is called off.

Disputes on that subject are rising, according to the NY Times. Sharon Bush, a former sister in law of the president, was recently engaged to a billionaire who gave her an 11-carat diamond ring that he bought for $243,000. The engagement was called off, and when she didn't return the ring, he sued. Ms. Bush's lawyer, Raoul Felder, argued that the ring was a gift, not an engagement ring. The case ended with a settlement agreement that he won't divulge, but she has since been seen wearing the ring.

In general, courts rule that the ring goes back to the buyer regardless of who broke off the engagement. They view the ring as the symbol of a contract that is now null and void. But etiquette expert Letitia Baldrige thinks that if the woman broke off the engagement, she should return the ring, and that if the man broke it off, he should say, 'Of course you keep the ring.' If it's a family heirloom, she agrees that it should be returned but advises that the man replace it with another piece of jewelry. Fat chance!!

Dating a Widower

2008-10-02T12:58:00.000-07:00

I know three women who are currently dating widowers--the guys we refer to in our book as The Gold Standard. These men never left their wives for a younger babe, have stuck out the ups and downs of a long marriage, and when their wives needed them most, they balanced the roles of working, caretaking and parenting. What’s not to like?

However, being cautious and protective of my friend, Gold Standard guy or not, I was really worried when Suzanne handed her heart to her new love after just a date or two. I was surprised to see her hard edges melting away right in front of me, and worried sick that this guy just wanted a fling after nursing his wife throughout a two-year terminal illness. But, it turns out that he was ready to move on and he’s bananas about Suzanne and just as eager to share his future with her as she is ready to share her life with him. They’re even discussing the best locations for retirement!

A guy friend, who is a widower himself, says there are definite red flags to watch out for before falling head over heels for a widower. These signs could indicate that he’s not ready to move on yet and is (probably not consciously) using the woman he’s with now to fill the void he’s feeling.

Here are the Watch Out signs:

He hides you from his family and friends.
You remind him of his late wife.
He compares you to his late wife.
He hasn’t removed the visible shrines to his late wife.
He can’t/won’t tell you that he loves you.
He refuses to talk about his grief.

My widower friend reminded me that no one of these signs is a deal-breaker by itself, but each and all of the signs should make you aware that he may not be as ready as you are for a relationship.

Ditto for me

2008-09-25T09:49:00.000-07:00

Suzanne, I had a similar experience. I had been divorced for two and a half years, but separated for nearly five and dating on and off since that time. Like you, I had a few dead-end relationships with Mr. Wrong's. Also met a string of losers through online dating. I took a full year off from dating and devoted myself to my work, my friends, and learning to be comfortable with my own company. Of course, all of that had been taking place ever since the separation, but that year I made a conscious effort.

A few months ago Linda and our literary agent, both divorced and now happily in love, urged me to go back on JDate. I signed on reluctantly and with expectations in the deep negative range. After a few weeks, and just at the point when I planned to terminate my subscription, I started dating an interesting guy. We took our time getting to know each other, and I wasn't concerned about whether our friendship would "go anywhere." I just enjoyed his company and focused on the present. Our relationship evolved slowly, and while I am definitely not a "mush," we are seeing each other regularly and very happily. No matter what happens, I am grateful that he came into my life.

It Took Me 50 Years But... A Guest Blog

2008-09-25T08:14:00.001-07:00

"It Took me 50 Years But…"
A Guest Blog from our friend Suzanne who was until now the most jaded woman we knew, but now she’s in love!

After divorce 11 years ago, I had 2 long term relationships. Both turned out badly and I had given up on ever finding someone. I had come to terms with the fact that I would be alone and I was really okay with that.
My job takes me all over the country and I was working in Colorado when I said that I would try eharmony, not thinking it would work out.
I have met the most wonderful man I've ever known and after 2 weeks with him we both discussed our future together. I have turned into what my friends and co-workers have called a "mush". If I can find love anyone can. As my friend from New York always says, "there is a seat for every ass".

A sampling of Republican morality

2008-09-25T06:42:00.001-07:00

There are a number of Republicans in addition to McCain who have adulterous pasts but freely condemn Democrats like Clinton and Edwards. It's not that those two don't deserve criticism -- it's the "family-values" hypocrisy of the guys pointing their fingers that galls me. Here are the stories of two prominent Republicans who betrayed and humiliated their wives and yet present themselves as icons of integrity.

Giuliani informed his second wife, Donna Hanover, of his intention to seek a separation in a 2000 press conference. Nice way to break the news! The announcement was precipitated by a tabloid frenzy after Giuliani brazenly marched with then-mistress Judith Nathan in New York's St. Patrick's Day parade. In the divorce proceedings that followed, Hanover accused him of serial adultery, alleging that Nathan was just the latest in a string of mistresses, following an affair the mayor had had with his former communications director.

The most notorious is undoubtedly Gingrich, who ran for Congress in 1978 on the slogan, "Let Our Family Represent Your Family." (He was reportedly cheating on his first wife at the time). An alleged mistress from that period, Anne Manning, told Vanity Fair's Gail Sheehy: "We had oral sex. He prefers that modus operandi because then he can say, 'I never slept with her.'" Gingrich obtained his first divorce after forcing his wife, who had put him through graduate school, to haggle over the terms while in the hospital as she recovered from uterine cancer surgery. A few years later he was caught in an affair with a congressional aide while spearheading the impeachment proceedings against President Clinton.

Listen Up, America: Ross Perot Speaks the Truth

2008-09-24T07:47:00.000-07:00

There’s a lot of chat out there in the blogosphere about why John Edwards’ infidelity leads us all to assume his political career is shot, while John McCain’s infidelity is just a little blip that he manages to ignore while he traipses on his merry way. McCain has written openly in his memoirs that he ran around with women while he was married to his first wife, so I guess he figures he has already fully disclosed and doesn’t need to comment. Or maybe he figures there is a statute of limitations on cheating, and since it happened thirty years ago, he’s exonerated. Shame on the Republican hypocrites who wanted to fry Bill Clinton for his wayward behavior. These same self-righteous right wingers don't even acknowledge McCain’s less than upright position.
Ross Perot, on the other hand, apparently has been furious with McCain since he first dumped his wife for Cindy.
Perot says” McCain is the classic opportunist. He’s always reaching for attention and glory.” And a leggy blonde, we might add.

More McCain

2008-09-23T18:37:00.001-07:00

I was happy to see that after I found that McCain story on the internet,it was picked up by the Huffington Post. That will ensure wide readership.

Here is another tidbit. On the McCain campaign trail, a reporter raised the issue of McCain's objection to gay marriage, plus his own infidelity, vis a vis his holier- than-thou alleged family values. As usual, he dodged the question and his fans cheered. Here's the account:

During his stop in Nashville on Wednesday, McCain was asked if he was "going to talk about" his "own situation," in the context of how infidelity is as serious a threat to the sanctity of marriage as is gay unions.

"There is nothing," the questioner asked, "you see long-term couples splitting up, it's, it's just crazy...I know that you, your own situation, you're going to have to address that in the campaign. Infidelity is just a terrible cancer on this country....and I think if we're going to talk about...gay marriage, it has to be in the context of the preservation of marriage."

McCain drifted around the personal implication by reiterating his opposition to the marriage of same-sex couples. "I just believe in the sanctity and the unique status of marriage between a man and a woman.," he said to cheers in the crowd.

What Would Sarah Palin Say?

2008-09-23T09:18:00.001-07:00

That is sleazy and repulsive--especially from a guy who works to appear righteous and brave and dedicated. At least George Bush has remained devoted to Laura!

We had such fun last Friday evening at our Still Hot reading in Connecticut with women- married, single or divorced all drinking cosmos and laughing together over the pitfalls of dating a Mr. Wrong!

We also shared our own stories. One of the women talked about her husband whose MS symptoms became so debilitating that he needed permanent nursing home care while still in his forties. With regrets and guilt, and his consent and understanding, she divorced him so that he would be eligible to receive full medical coverage and benefits. Had they remained married, her insurance would have only partially covered him. She visits him every other day in the nursing home and is as devoted to her disabled partner as anyone could ever be. A far cry from going after the nearest young rich guy she might have found and abandoning her husband a la the Republican presidential candidate.

Until I just read your John McCain expose, I thought the worst case of this kind of desert-‘em-when-the-chips-are-down was the guy I know who left his wife while she was in a coma because it was too boring to sit endlessly beside her hospital bed. Luckily, she came out of the coma in time to sue him for big-time alimony! And, as he justly deserves, his next ex-wife did the same!

John McCain's mid-life crisis

2008-09-22T13:07:00.001-07:00

I think women should know the kind of husband that John McCain is and how he treats the women in his life.

John McCain first married Carol, a beautiful swimsuit model. They had three children whom she cared for while he went to war and was held captive as a POW. One wintry night during his absence Carol had a car accident on an icy road and was severely injured, requiring multiple operations that left her five inches shorter in height and with a permanent limp. When McCain returned from war, he commented to friends that his wife "is no longer the woman I married." The war hero immediately began running around with other women and eventually met the beautiful, rich, well-connected Cindy, who was 18 years his junior. He pursued and dated her during his marriage while still living with Carol.

In the divorce settlement, McCain agreed to pay for Carol's future medical expenses. Carol chalks up his behavior to the classic mid-life crisis, explaining that John left her for the young heiress because "He was 40 and wanted to be 25."

A Well- Deserved Smack Over the Head

2008-09-18T15:26:00.000-07:00

After graduation, one of my college roommates, Deb, came to New York and began working at a big international Fortune 500 firm as what was known in those days as a secretary and is now called a special assistant. Her boss was a tall, lanky, handsome 35 year old married guy with three very young kids, a beautiful wife, a big salary and a roving eye.
Soon he and Deb had a hot and heavy romance going. They often spent the night at his pied-a-terre in the city. I wonder what his wife thought about his claiming to be so overworked that he couldn’t make it home to Greenwich (less than a 45 minute commute).
For years, Deb believed that he loved her, that he was working on leaving his wife and that she and her boss would live happily ever after. They enjoyed their stolen moments in the pied-a -terre, not to mention dinners at Lutece and the Four Seasons, and she accompanied him on all of his business trips to Frankfurt, Paris, London, Sydney and Geneva. He bought her perfume, jewelry and expensive watches. After a while, she began to notice her biological clock ticking away.
Finally she delivered the ultimatum--it had to be now or never. He assured her that he was working on it, that he constantly brought the matter up with his wife and that she just wasn’t quite ready to let him go, but to rest assured that it would be soon.
Alone over the holidays for yet another year, Deb knew she had to do something. Shortly after New Year’s she called the wife one day and said something like “We both love him, I know. But if you really loved him as much as I do, you would let him go and find his happiness.”
The wife hung up on Deb, then called back about an hour later for some details.
When hubby arrived home in his Mercedes that evening, the wife smacked him over the head with a shovel.
He needed about a hundred stitches, immediately had Deb transferred to another division in the company and never spoke to her again.

What the sexual revolution wrought

2008-09-18T12:31:00.000-07:00

While it's common for single women who are sleeping with married men to issue ultimatums, I still think the blond intern's move was audacious. Call me old-fashioned. Here you have a much older man with a wife of 30 years and a child, and this young cupcake DEMANDS that he leave them. Where do these women get the chutzpah to heedlessly, selfishly -- even self-righteously -- trample all over other people's families that way? Whatever happened to guilt?

Don't get me wrong: the men who leave their families for these women are the real villains of the story. It's not new for single women to give married lovers ultimatums, but their married lovers didn't always follow them so easily. In the 1950s, when divorce was so unthinkable that people used the expression "broken home" and I grew up not knowing a single child in that situation, I think married men (and women too, but fewer) had affairs. And that their lovers issued ultimatums now and then. But when push came to shove, most men ended the affair and stayed with the family. They weren't saints, but people didn't blithely walk away from marriages and destroy families back then.

Today the opposite is true. As the "me" generation grew up and instant gratification served to legitimize every whim, the divorce rate soared. My kids knew plenty of little classmates in grade-school whose parents were divorced, and the numbers multiplied as they passed through middle school, high school and college. So it's come to this: young single women indignantly issue ultimatums, and married men don't deliberate for long. They walk, entitled and self-justified, leaving the wreckage of a family behind and rarely looking back. Let's get something straight: the sexual revolution was not a boon to women.

A Silver Lining? Make That Lying.

2008-09-17T08:58:00.000-07:00

Gina and Patti really are horrendous women. You counted on Patti to be there for you as your sister-in- law and your daughter thought Patti was her loving aunt, but she certainly showed her true self. And, April is certainly better off without a friend like Gina, that turncoat.

Sally never had a really close friend betray her during her divorce, but she did learn the hard way that some so-called friends are just plain scummy.
Sally and her then-husband Clark were friendly with a couple, the Silvers, Don and Fran. Fran was totally boring, had a drippy personality and whined as a matter of course. Plus she had a wicked bad nose job. Although Sally’s friends all mimicked Fran’s nasal moan, Sally tolerated her and even grew to like her, at least somewhat. Don was a flirt and always seemed smarmy, but he was Clark’s friend and Sally went along with the program, uncomplainingly spending as much time with the Silvers as Clark wanted.

Don and Fran had met in graduate school, each already married to someone else. Fran’s marriage was starting to unravel. Don was happily married to Iris. One long study session led to another, and soon Don left Iris for Fran. Don’s mother and sister were angry and blamed Fran, but in a short time accepted her as family especially since she became pregnant immediately.

Fast forward several years. Clark and Don worked with a young blonde intern who had eyes only for married men. After breaking off a long relationship with an older married man, her attentions turned to ready, willing and able Clark. For six years, they kept their romance pretty much under the radar. As a matter of fact, the only people who really knew about it were Don and Fran. The lovey-dovey couple were invited to dinners at the Silvers' so they wouldn’t be seen out in public together at a restaurant. And the Silvers often loaned the lovers their lakeside country house for secret getaways.

The intern eventually decided it was time settle down and gave Clark an ultimatum. He broke the news to his wife and kid--he just needed a little time alone. Two months later, he was engaged. As he was packing his bags, Sally begged him to work on the marriage for the sake of the family, and finally he gave it all up—the six year affair, the golden moments sponsored by the Silvers.

The Silvers? Sally was so shocked. How could the Silvers have shared dinners and birthdays and vacations with her while secretly harboring Clark’s “other life”? And for six years?!

When Sally recently bumped into Don and Fran at a wake, Fran said “ It has been so long. I don’t know why you stopped calling me, but let’s get together soon.”

Yuh. Right.

"Friends" who think they can be like Switzerland

2008-09-17T06:24:00.001-07:00

A good friend can't be neutral in such cases. Even worse are those who, like Gina, purport to be neutral but actually take sides.

In my marriage, my husband had an affair with a much younger woman who, like him, was married with two kids. This woman was clearly a gold-digger, as evidenced by the fact that she introduced herself to him by walking up to my pudgy, balding, 55-year-old then-husband amidst a room full of 30-something dudes and declaring, "You are the most beautiful man I have ever seen in my life." Enough said.

My husband left major evidence of the affair around for the kids to find, then warned them, "Don't tell your mother about this or you'll blow up the marriage." Of course, I eventually found out on my own, and the marriage blew up, devastating both kids and everybody in the extended family.

My sister-in-law Patti (wife of my ex's brother) and I had always been close and enjoyed each other's company. When this happened, Patti was appalled and expressed support and commiseration via email. But before long she stopped communicating and I noticed photos on my mother-in-law's fridge of the four of them -- my ex, his new babe, his brother and Patti -- laughing uproariously while splashing down an amusement-park water ride. My daughter graduated from college six months later and didn't receive so much as a card or call from Patti and her husband. The following June, a full year after my daughter's graduation, Patti sent her a "Happy Graduation" card with a note that explained, "I'm not sure when you graduated but I found this card among my stuff. I guess I meant to send it earlier, but due to your parents' messy divorce, I didn't want to get in the middle. [By sending her niece a graduation card?] In any event, I've moved beyond the divorce now and think it's time for you to do the same."

I'll repeat: enough said.

Et Tu Brutus- the Unkindest Cut of All

2008-09-16T14:28:00.000-07:00

April’s former best friend Gina is the worst sort of Friendly Enemy I’ve ever heard of!!!
April and her husband Patrick hung out all the time with Gina and her morbidly obese husband Max. Their kids all grew up thinking of each other as extended family. Despite her Frida Kahlo unibrow, Gina is a forty-something beauty who looks better than ever now that she took off a stone as the Brits say—on Atkins. Not an easy diet for someone who regularly whips up huge trays of lasagna for her 4-person family.
When April’s mother recently passed away, Gina showed up every night of shiveh with a different Italian delight from tiramisu to baked ziti. April felt blessed to have a best friend like Gina for the past sixteen years. She confided everything to Gina including Patrick’s recent infidelities with Shari, a neighbor.
As the marriage deteriorated and Patrick continued his dalliance with Shari, April had to give him the boot. It was too demeaning for April to keep trying to ignore the affair once their son and his friends had spotted Patrick’s car in Shari’s driveway at 2 am.
A few days after Patrick left with his suitcase and the Mixmaster--he refused to leave without it--April had a call from Gina. She and Max had been out to dinner with Patrick and Shari, and Gina called to report, “She doesn’t look so hot to me. She’s crazy short and she kind of resembles Bob Hope. She has a Dr. Diamond nose. She looks sixty five in dim light--who knows how she looks when it’s brighter.”
After Patrick was out of the house, April hibernated in pain for weeks. Understandable, since within a short time span she lost her mother, and simultaneously her husband was carrying on in a public way with a neighbor. When she was ready to emerge again, she began to realize she hadn’t heard from Gina in what seemed like forever. She called several times and received no reply. She dashed off a “hi-how-are-ya” email to Gina and again nothing in response.
A couple of months later, not sure what she could possibly have done to Gina, April got a shock. Her son came home from a dinner at Max and Gina's. His dad had been there with Shari and her tots. After dessert, Gina had taken April’s son aside and said, “Tell your mom when the divorce is all over, I’ll call her. Until then, I can’t get in the middle. She should understand.”

Biatch!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Frienemies and fair-weather friends

2008-09-14T10:50:00.000-07:00

That's a primal taboo: don't go out with your friend's boyfriend or ex-boyfriend. As previously described on this blog, I was a victim of that violation: a frienemy dated and slept with a guy I had been seeing; he and I hadn't even broken up! I was surprised when I told the story to a friend, who passed it by her 30-year-old daughter. The daughter said that if the relationship is over, the guy is fair game. Maybe so, but you will definitely lose that female friend, and as we all know, female friendships usually outlive boyfriends.

Here's a subset of that kind of behavior in that it too prizes boyfriends over female friends, though it's nowhere near as hurtful. I have a friend who got separated around the same time I did. At the beginning, when we were both shell shocked and needed an empathetic ear, we spent a fair amount of time together. But I soon realized that this woman requires a boyfriend at all times. Not to have one, for her, would be like going without food. It's her sustenance. Her pattern is to go on match.com, meet four or five guys, and within a week or so get deeply involved with one of them. During the involvement she might drop me an email about how great her new bf is, but otherwise I wouldn't hear from her. Eventually though, whether after four months or a year, the bf would dump her and she'd be broken-hearted. Then, just like that mole arcade game -- where the irrepressible mole keeps popping up no matter how many times you pound it down -- she would immediately reappear on match and begin the whole process over again.

This pattern has been going on for the past five years, leaving her with periodic two- or three-week gaps between boyfriends. It is during these breaks that she resurfaces in my life and is suddenly interested in my company. The instant her next relationship sparks -- and that never takes long -- she disappears again. The only exceptions are when the boyfriend-du-jour is out of town, in which case she will occasionally call and offer to get together.

This isn't frienemy behavior -- in fact, she is not the type to date a friend's boyfriend -- but it is fair-weather-friend behavior, and she makes her priorities clear. Consequently, I made a mental note to demote her from former friend to current acquaintance whom I'd see out of boredom and only if convenient. Oddly, though she operated that way herself, she apparently had a different view of our relationship. So when the last boyfriend kicked her out of the apartment they shared and she found herself temporarily homeless, she called to ask if she could bunk with me for a while. I was amazed that I was the first person she called, because if I found myself in similar straits, I would have called at least eight other female friends before I'd think to call her. Needless to say, she was angry when I let her stay for a night but declined to house her for longer. What she didn't understand is that I felt no loyalty to her because she had done nothing to engender it.

Moral of the story: Don't take your female friends for granted. Girlfriend relationships need tending too, just like relationships with guys. Especially because in the end, it's your girlfriends whom you will turn to.

Is Your New BFF Really Your Frenemy?

2008-09-12T11:08:00.000-07:00

Remember when Hillary was in the presidential race? Her girlfriends were here,there and everywhere with testimonials about what a solid, reliable, giving friend and mother she is. Have you noticed that not one Sarah Palin girlfriend has surfaced? No woman who knows her well, other than her sister, has said anything positive about her character. Uh-oh. We know what that means. She’s probably a frenemy type.
Here’s a frenemy story straight from my office. A few years ago, Marisol worked with us. She was smart, attractive and tough. She came from Puerto Rico with her two kids and raised them as a single mom while also caring for her mentally ill, verbally abusive mother. We all admired her fortitude.
Jacki sat in the next cubicle. Originally from London, she too was an immigrant far from her extended family and raising a child alone. They quickly became close friends. Jacki often cooked for Marisol and her kids and treated them all as family.
Back in London, Jacki had been in love with Walter. They had lasted as a couple several years after her move to New York, but over the years, distance faded the relationship into more of a friendship than a romance. Walter continued to visit Jacki two or three times a year and she often would throw a party during his stay. At one of these parties, Marisol and Walter spent the entire evening in deep conversation with each other. Walter returned to England and Jacki and he continued as always to e mail frequently. A month later, Jacki noticed a photo of Walter on Marisol's bulletin board. In tears, Jacki confronted Marisol who replied that she and Walter were in love and that Jacki had no right to care since she and Walter had broken up years before.
Rule #1 in girlfriend etiquette is never,ever go out with your bff’s ex. Ever. Who doesn’t know that?!

Bad things happen to bad ex-husbands

2008-09-11T09:58:00.001-07:00

he is apparently holding out for a piece of his wife's inheritance, and the lawn chair remains a mystery, except I think it was a ploy for him to duck out of the mediator's settlement if he needed an excuse. It's messed up that Massachusetts considers an inheritance to be joint property; in NY it's off the table and not subject to division.

I still believe, naively perhaps, that what goes around comes around. I think Mitch and the midget will ultimately make each other miserable, I really do. And Linda, I think that your ex will wind up old and miserable, because in a decade or so, his ridiculously young wife will not want to change his Depends or help him with his walker, and also, praised be, he will be paying at least one and possibly two college tuitions when he's in his 80s, which means he can never retire, or if he does, that he will be poor. YAY!! And I cannot believe that my ex will ultimately be happy with his new wife, who he once described as "very needy, very depressive, very fragile." Not to mention a serial adulterer. Fun!

I never gave the upshot of my bf's views on shaved pubic hair vs. full bush, and thong vs. bikini panties. Pubic hair: he's indifferent, either way is fine; panties: likes thongs a little better but bikinis are nice for variety.

The Sociopath and the Lawn Chair

2008-09-10T08:42:00.000-07:00

Mitchell,that sociopathic creep,has now pulled out all the stops in his War of the Roses divorce performance. Read on:
A couple of weeks ago, Mitchell, his wife and their respective attorneys were required by the judge overseeing their case to meet with a third lawyer, a female court-appointed mediator. The mediator came up with a settlement plan. The wife was ready to settle.

Not to be told what to do by any woman, Mitchell’s attorney produced his own different settlement plan. The wife remained eager to settle and accepted that plan as well. Then Mitchell’s attorney came up with a three page single-spaced laundry list of addendums including the china, the crystal, the wife’s mother’s piano, even the lawn furniture. Plus he wanted to put a lien on the house. The wife then consulted her accountant and learned that she could in no way financially afford to accept Mitchell’s lawyer’s plan. She would need to revert to the mediator’s plan. All fine with her--she just wants to escape from this onslaught and get on with her life.

Mitchell’s attorney verbally agreed with the wife’s attorney that they would go to court this week and accept the mediator’s plan. Mitchell would drop his laundry list of demands,except for the Adirondack lawn chair. Without that chair, it would be no deal for Mitchell. The wife’s attorney could not fathom what would be so valuable about a lawn chair but she presented the offer to her client. The wife readily agreed, also wondering what could be so meaningful about the lawn chair.

Lo and behold, the next morning the lawn chair was mysteriously missing from the place it had occupied in the yard for the past five years. Someone had stolen a hundred pound used wooden chair in a rural neighborhood where people leave pricey racing bikes lying out on their lawns and hardly anyone locks their doors. Mitchell’s wife reported the theft to the town police wondering who the heck would want to steal a lawn chair.

A day later, Mitchell, the wife, and their attorneys all returned to court. The wife and her attorney were certain that they had reached a settlement. After all, Mitchell’s attorney had verbally agreed to one. As they arrived in court, Mitchell’s attorney produced a 500 page document calling for every bit of information about the wife’s recently deceased mother’s estate. There would be no settlement. Not when Mitchell could try one last time to get his hands on some of his wife’s upcoming inheritance. Mitchell’s attorney has now asked the court for a four month delay in the trial date. The attorney claimed that he would be involved with devoutly observing the Jewish holidays for the next two months and unable to work. In reality, he is delaying in hopes that the wife’s mother’s estate will be forced to be settled before the new court date.

And who stole the lawn chair? Most people think it was Mitchell, but where would he put it? In his apartment? On his girlfriend X’s lawn? And why?

And now for the good news

2008-09-09T11:45:00.001-07:00

That is beyond the pale, and the fact that it's a common, even recognizable ploy is sickening. I suppose that Barbara's reticence about her husband's motives is commendable, but geez, I'd be tempted to level with the child, especially in light of the recent car debacle. Maybe the girl will realize that two plus two equals scumbag, a sad realization but one that seems long overdue.

While that man and his midget continue to do evil and get away with it, I was comforted by a new study, described in today's New York Times, which found that older fathers are more likely to produce offspring who develop bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, and autism. What's more, the risk is highest among fathers 55 and older. This should give pause to those start-over dads who are just getting their second wind with fertile second wives. They can't have IT ALL. I can certainly think of one elderly dad who should read it.

How Low Can He Go?

2008-09-07T10:46:00.000-07:00

Add this one to the “And you call yourself a decent parent” listings.
Barbara received a phone call the other day from the HR office of her daughter Megan’s summer employer, a large national discount chain. Megan, a college student, began working as a weekend and summer cashier in high school and over time has graduated to a summer office job. The HR director wanted to check something out with Barbara. HR had received a letter requesting a complete accounting “for Megan’s parents” of all the hours she worked this past summer plus an estimate on the hours and pay she will be offered over the next three years. Before fulfilling this request, the HR director decided to check with Barbara because the letter requested that the information be sent to an address which did not match the home address on Megan’s employment forms.
Barbara was surprised and knew nothing about this. She suggested that HR call Megan directly to see if this was something she needed for school. The HR director said that she preferred if Barbara would call Megan and then for either Megan or Barbara to get back to her to let her know whether or not to release this information. Barbara asked for the address to which this information was to be sent, and learned that the request came from the Law Office of Mendel R_____. Her heart stopped. Barbara and her soon-to-be-ex are locked in very bitter, contested divorce proceedings--especially with regard to child support-- and this request had come from the ex’s attorney.
The HR director said that she had called because she was hesitant to fulfill the request. For many years, she has been in charge of tens of thousands of employees, many of them teenagers, and she felt, in her words, that “this smelled familiar and fishy”. She elaborated: this sort of information is used all the time in divorce cases and is designed to hurt the child by cutting down on parental support. The more the child earns, the harder he or she works, the more he/she stands to lose when these parents bring this evidence to court.
Barbara called Megan and, as always, held back on saying anything bad about Megan’s dad. She asked if Megan was aware that this request was being made, and Megan said her dad had told her he needed her work information so he could save her some money on her taxes. Barbara gently told Megan that the HR people felt it wasn’t a good idea to share this information with anyone. Barbara asked Megan to call and tell HR that no information should be released unless Megan specifically wanted it. Megan agreed that this was a good idea but felt she couldn’t call and ask for this herself. She wanted her mom to do it. When Barbara called HR back, the director said it’s common for kids not to be able to assert this right directly because it feels as if they are being disloyal to their parent even though they are fully aware that the parent is not being honest with them.
I vote for Megan’s dad for scummiest parent since Joel Steinberg.

Punishing the bad spouse

2008-09-05T07:23:00.001-07:00

If there's a tiny silver lining to that horrendous story, it's that the daughter's eyes have opened about her father, and she might support her mother in the divorce litigation and be more understanding of her point of view.

One thing -- judges don't award settlements based on egregious or immoral spousal behavior. A recent etiquette column in the NY Times featured a woman from Manhattan who wrote: "My husband of 27 years and I are divorcing; he left me for a woman young enough to be our daughter. He is bringing her to our beach club, where he gropes and fondles her like an adolescent. It's disgusting and humiliating for our children and me. I asked him to take his tramp elsewhere, but he refused. What should I do?"

Nauseating. The columnist advised that she steer clear of the club until the divorce comes through, reassuring her that because of her husband's creepy behavior, "the club membership, as well as the house and most of the larger bank accounts, will soon be yours anyway."

Unfortunately, that's not true. Judges divide property and award alimony based on financial "fairness" and state law -- equitable distribution in NY, 50/50 split in California, etc. They don't use the settlement as a way to "punish" bad spousal behavior. I learned this from my own divorce lawyer, to my disappointment. I and many other women (and some men, like X's exes) would have done a lot better if judges were more judgmental.

Rude Awakening

2008-09-02T10:54:00.000-07:00

The key difference between X and Mitchell is that she makes sure her kids are taken care of. By all of her husbands. And boyfriends. Their dad paid for college, camp and all the extras--S.A.T. tutoring, French Horn lessons etc. The shoe guy bought them each a new BMW and took them to France. X made sure that each of her kids had a private suite in the dream house she built with shoe guy. And she designed her kids’ suites to be so large that she just never had the spare room for shoe guy’s kids by his first marriage to stay overnight.
Shoe guy, like Mitch, abandoned his kids for the siren charms of X. Though we know she’s technically a midget, her impact on families is no small matter. And X is so ingratiating with her husbands’ and boyfriends’ kids that they actually like her. She buys them Miu-Miu handbags and the latest Prada perfume using her Nieman Marcus discount--she works 8 hours a week as a personal shopper.
Mitchell also ingratiates himself with the kids. He supplies X’s daughters with Red Sox, Patriots and Celtics play-off tickets for all their friends. But, he makes no basic provisions for his only child. Where X insisted on palatial rooms for her kids, Mitch only has space for his daughter in his apartment if there’s a night when X can’t be there because she needs to be at home with her children or she has her Kabbalah meeting.
I think the kid is starting to catch on, though. After her beat up jalopy exploded and her dad left her shaken and alone in his apartment to go re-join X's party, his daughter insisted to her mother, “There has got to be some way you can use this in divorce court, Mom, and you’d better find it. It’s just so wrong.”

Back to Basics

2008-09-02T09:28:00.000-07:00

Returning to your query, Sue,the bf's response was that Brazilian waxing is great because change is exciting.
And re thongs v.bikinis, he replied,"Well, if you're willing to remove all your hair, why not forego underwear entirely?"

Somehow,I'm not sure this will be helpful in your quandry.