What’s more than a little unusual about Mr. Rosenthal is that most men are thrilled by the birth of their first child. They feel all cozy and loving and come home bearing flowers for their wives. There’s usually a lot of recognition that labor really is laborious. It’s weird that he took absolutely no time to appreciate his wife and newborn and bask in the family warmth.
It’s hard to say who is worse- him or the guy in my neighborhood who had an affair with the underage Swedish au pair and moved to Costa Rica with her to perfect his surfing. He preferred to hang ten rather than hang out with his pregnant wife and six year old twins. The au pair’s parents eventually demanded that she return home and we hear tell that five years later he’s broken-hearted and surfing solo. His wife remarried. Couldn’t happen to a nicer guy.
Friday, June 20, 2008
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Outrageous!
Sue: I know it's not my turn, but I need to vent. Today's NYT Home section features the gorgeous house and artisanal farm of successful wine merchant Neal Rosenthal. The article explains that moons ago, Mr. Rosenthal married his high-school sweetheart and worked as a corporate lawyer. Ten days after his sweetheart gave birth to their baby girl, he took his new legal secretary out to lunch at an Argentine-style restaurant.
"So romantic, wicker chairs, big fans," he recalls. "I went to lunch and I fell in love."
The writer comments that it must have been wrenching to fall in love so soon after the birth of his child. Oh no, he replies. "It was exciting."
End of marriage, onto the new.
It might have been nice had Rosenthal taken his wife -- you remember, the one who only ten days earlier suffered labor pains and was now housebound with their newborn? -- to a romantic lunch for two. But it's not "exciting" to be with a woman who is sleep-deprived and has leaky breasts and pregnancy pounds to lose. Lord knows that falling in love is a bigger rush than changing diapers.
The article details the heirloom tomatoes that he and his second wife organically raise, their egg-laying chickens and $23,000 refrigerator, but makes no mention of a subsequent child. At the risk of taking a leap, I submit that Mr. Rosenthal felt severely miffed when wife number-one's attention centered on his baby daughter instead of on the biggest baby of all: him.
"So romantic, wicker chairs, big fans," he recalls. "I went to lunch and I fell in love."
The writer comments that it must have been wrenching to fall in love so soon after the birth of his child. Oh no, he replies. "It was exciting."
End of marriage, onto the new.
It might have been nice had Rosenthal taken his wife -- you remember, the one who only ten days earlier suffered labor pains and was now housebound with their newborn? -- to a romantic lunch for two. But it's not "exciting" to be with a woman who is sleep-deprived and has leaky breasts and pregnancy pounds to lose. Lord knows that falling in love is a bigger rush than changing diapers.
The article details the heirloom tomatoes that he and his second wife organically raise, their egg-laying chickens and $23,000 refrigerator, but makes no mention of a subsequent child. At the risk of taking a leap, I submit that Mr. Rosenthal felt severely miffed when wife number-one's attention centered on his baby daughter instead of on the biggest baby of all: him.
Monday, June 16, 2008
Taking the high road
Sue: Linda, there was something else going on with that guy, though we'll never know what (and do we really care?). One possibility is that he went on the date reluctantly, as a courtesy to the friend who arranged the fix-up. I had a blind date with a guy who did just that. The next day he emailed me to explain that he was seeing someone and it was getting serious (unbeknownst to the friend who had arranged the fix-up).
Which brings me to another post-divorce discovery: men don't like being fixed up. Guys tell me that they don't want to be held accountable to the matchmaker afterward ("So how did it go?" When are you going to call her again?"). They prefer to work anonymously and to check out pictures first; hence they flock to internet dating sites.
Speaking of which, I have been railing for months about the many guys online who specify that they must date women younger than themselves. I recently came across the profile of a 66-year-old guy who was looking for women between 50 and 60. I emailed him and asked why men don't like to date women their own age. He replied that he could explain that phenomenon for other men, but "obviously that's not the case with me." The jerk didn't even know what he'd written on his own profile.
Pray tell, I said. He explained that men don't want a woman who is an intellectual equal, or they need to feel younger by dating a younger woman. Just the setup I was hoping for. I then asked, "So which of those reasons applies to you?" Needless to say, he went ballistic, accusing me of man-anger and claiming that J-Date had "reset" that particular line in his profile. Riiiiiight. I'm proud to report that I chose the high road in that (one) instance by not prolonging the virtual spat that I had deliberately provoked with a hapless stranger. Bravo!
Which brings me to another post-divorce discovery: men don't like being fixed up. Guys tell me that they don't want to be held accountable to the matchmaker afterward ("So how did it go?" When are you going to call her again?"). They prefer to work anonymously and to check out pictures first; hence they flock to internet dating sites.
Speaking of which, I have been railing for months about the many guys online who specify that they must date women younger than themselves. I recently came across the profile of a 66-year-old guy who was looking for women between 50 and 60. I emailed him and asked why men don't like to date women their own age. He replied that he could explain that phenomenon for other men, but "obviously that's not the case with me." The jerk didn't even know what he'd written on his own profile.
Pray tell, I said. He explained that men don't want a woman who is an intellectual equal, or they need to feel younger by dating a younger woman. Just the setup I was hoping for. I then asked, "So which of those reasons applies to you?" Needless to say, he went ballistic, accusing me of man-anger and claiming that J-Date had "reset" that particular line in his profile. Riiiiiight. I'm proud to report that I chose the high road in that (one) instance by not prolonging the virtual spat that I had deliberately provoked with a hapless stranger. Bravo!
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Worst Date Ever
Linda: I know it’s not even my turn to blog, but all these questions from reviewers like Dating @About.com are reminding me about some of the best-forgotten dates I’ve had personally or that my girlfriends shared. I think my worst was the 20 minute date. I was fixed up by a really nice couple whom I’ve known for years and the guy is their best friend. He’d been divorced for several years, and then had a live-in relationship which had recently ended. We talked on the phone several times and scheduled a date weeks in advance mostly because I was busy helping my daughter pack her parka and gear for Alaska.
On the the day of the date, I got a voice message which said, “ I guess you probably forgot that we had scheduled a date. That’s okay.”
I called him back and to let him know that I’d been at an all-day conference and that I was looking forward to the date. He told me to choose the place and time which I did.
I arrived on time and checked the restaurant. He wasn’t there. I had never seen him, but had a sense of what he’d look like from my friend Renee. I window-shopped and checked back again and again for 10 minutes. He finally arrived, introduced himself and we sat at the bar at the moderately priced Upper West Side fish place I had chosen assuming that if the drinks part went well, we’d have dinner. We talked –awkwardly- mostly about his son’s grades and sports teams-for about 10 minutes and then he disappeared into the bathroom. When he came back, we talked only slightly more easily--again about his son’s IQ and the like. Out of nowhere, he asked if I’d been to France. Yes. Speak French? Yes. Though neither of us had finished our glasses of wine, he downed his, and asked for the check. Then he looked at his watch and said he needed to go see some friends who were leaving for France the next day. Outside the restaurant he shook my hand with the very same handshake you get after a job interview when you know you didn’t get the job.
The only good part was that he totally cured me of dating for several months which gave me time to learn to enjoy my own company. I saw him years later at Renee’s for a shiva call and by then I had no idea who he was.
On the the day of the date, I got a voice message which said, “ I guess you probably forgot that we had scheduled a date. That’s okay.”
I called him back and to let him know that I’d been at an all-day conference and that I was looking forward to the date. He told me to choose the place and time which I did.
I arrived on time and checked the restaurant. He wasn’t there. I had never seen him, but had a sense of what he’d look like from my friend Renee. I window-shopped and checked back again and again for 10 minutes. He finally arrived, introduced himself and we sat at the bar at the moderately priced Upper West Side fish place I had chosen assuming that if the drinks part went well, we’d have dinner. We talked –awkwardly- mostly about his son’s grades and sports teams-for about 10 minutes and then he disappeared into the bathroom. When he came back, we talked only slightly more easily--again about his son’s IQ and the like. Out of nowhere, he asked if I’d been to France. Yes. Speak French? Yes. Though neither of us had finished our glasses of wine, he downed his, and asked for the check. Then he looked at his watch and said he needed to go see some friends who were leaving for France the next day. Outside the restaurant he shook my hand with the very same handshake you get after a job interview when you know you didn’t get the job.
The only good part was that he totally cured me of dating for several months which gave me time to learn to enjoy my own company. I saw him years later at Renee’s for a shiva call and by then I had no idea who he was.
Monday, June 9, 2008
Poof- Disappearing Acts Abound
Linda: Sue, what has become of that nice guy who is capable of holding a leisurely conversation? I'm hoping he hasn't disappeared. There is definitely that potential problem with Internet dating. There are so many choices and profiles that the "kid in the candy store" effect can take over at any juncture. Rather than going with the flow of a nice budding relationship, both men and women often feel that odds are there's someone even better out there if they just keep reading enough profiles.
Friday, June 6, 2008
Hand-holding lunatic
Sue: The nutcase who insisted on holding my hand on our first date after one drink, and who just had to kiss me goodnight after a second drink, never resurfaced. Poof! He neither called nor emailed, but he did look at my profile again. (Internet dating sites allow you to see who has "viewed you.") My take is that he couldn't muster the nerve to call because he is embarrassed by his freakish behavior, rather than distracted. In either case, he is some kind of head case and a psychologist to boot -- a fact that I should have mentioned earlier, as it probably explains everything!
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
Pace is Important in Dating as Well as in Jogging
Sue, what became of the hand holder? It's interesting to me that a virtual stranger wants to hold your hand and kiss you and after all that, he gets distracted and just doesn't call again. I think the new guy sounds better anyway-- he's more interested in taking it easy and getting to know you. It's a much more appropriate pace for anyone over 20.
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