Thursday, July 31, 2008
Guilt Free Cheating
That disastrous ending to a seedy affair sounds about right. What's strange about the couple I blogged about is that they have been married for 14 years, are totally in love, and both have been able to go about their lives with impunity. All six of their kids get along and spend much of the summer together. The five older siblings embrace and include their 13 year old little sister. I’m sure the former spouses are none too fond of these two, but overall the lack of repercussions is striking. I want to know how it is that people who do this sort of thing get away with it—it’s just too unfair that they don’t even have to live with a twinge of guilt! Meanwhile, I feel guilty for having eaten Weight Watchers 2 point cookie snacks.
Be careful what you lust for
The moral of that story is: "The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence." I can't think of a more apt example than a married person feeling discontented with their own spouse as they lust for the spouse next-door.
It sounds dramatic and whirlwind-romantic, but I wonder about the prognosis for second marriages that begin in that way. You're talking about children who knew one another, probably played together, and knew (and trusted) the parents next-door. Now that parent is moving in and playing daddy? Doesn't bode well.
A friend of mine dated a dentist who had had a long-time practice with a close friend with whom he had gone to dental school. The two families knew each other well and lived in the same town. Needless to say, this successful dentist proceeded to fall in love with his partner's wife, causing both families as well as the practice to blow up. The lovers got married, and he moved into his wife's house with her children. Though the children lived with him for years, they never forgave him for ruining their lives. When his step-daughter eventually got married, he paid $30,000 toward her wedding, hoping for exoneration. Still she hated him. The upshot: husband and wife #2 got divorced. He explained to my friend that the children's resentment and misery ultimately drove him and his second wife apart, destroying the marriage.
So what did they leave in their wake? two broken families, two sets of unhappy kids, a second divorce, and a ruined practice and friendship for the former partners.
It sounds dramatic and whirlwind-romantic, but I wonder about the prognosis for second marriages that begin in that way. You're talking about children who knew one another, probably played together, and knew (and trusted) the parents next-door. Now that parent is moving in and playing daddy? Doesn't bode well.
A friend of mine dated a dentist who had had a long-time practice with a close friend with whom he had gone to dental school. The two families knew each other well and lived in the same town. Needless to say, this successful dentist proceeded to fall in love with his partner's wife, causing both families as well as the practice to blow up. The lovers got married, and he moved into his wife's house with her children. Though the children lived with him for years, they never forgave him for ruining their lives. When his step-daughter eventually got married, he paid $30,000 toward her wedding, hoping for exoneration. Still she hated him. The upshot: husband and wife #2 got divorced. He explained to my friend that the children's resentment and misery ultimately drove him and his second wife apart, destroying the marriage.
So what did they leave in their wake? two broken families, two sets of unhappy kids, a second divorce, and a ruined practice and friendship for the former partners.
Moral?
After my15 minutes of fame being on tv, plus a wonderful vacation on Nantucket, I’m back to where we left off. We were talking about husbands-- the good the bad and the ugly.
I think we all-- and this is true for both men and women--panic a little about aging, especially those of us who grew up in the ‘60’s youth culture with the mantra “never trust anyone over 30.” Let’s face it: youth rules. Every other article in a women’s magazine is about botox, restylane or Juvederm. And, the models in fashion magazines are mostly 15. The average age for retirement for a model is 24, though there seems to be a recent demand for more “sophisticated” models aged 25 and older, probably because we baby boomers are reluctant to buy skin care products from a girl who’s not old enough to legally order a martini.
It’s kind of natural that when a guy faces 50, he is desperate to hang onto his youth. Normal men buy a sports car or a motorcycle, or maybe take up playing the guitar and that’s enough to help them cope. But, others can’t stop short of abandoning all the trappings of their former life--wife, house, responsibility-- and need to find another woman to start over with. Often, she’s younger, but most important, she’s new and exciting.
I was recently introduced to a couple--he’s 60, she’s in her early 50’s. Fifteen years ago, they were neighbors and each was happily married, she with three kids, he with two. Somehow, they developed a riveting attraction and ditched their shocked spouses for one another. He gave her a massive diamond, they married the day their divorces were final, he moved into her house, and a year later they had a child, bringing the total to 6 kids between them. When I met them, they were holding hands, thrilled about spending a week alone together on a tiny island with no electricity off Nantucket. I can’t figure out if there’s any moral to this story.
I think we all-- and this is true for both men and women--panic a little about aging, especially those of us who grew up in the ‘60’s youth culture with the mantra “never trust anyone over 30.” Let’s face it: youth rules. Every other article in a women’s magazine is about botox, restylane or Juvederm. And, the models in fashion magazines are mostly 15. The average age for retirement for a model is 24, though there seems to be a recent demand for more “sophisticated” models aged 25 and older, probably because we baby boomers are reluctant to buy skin care products from a girl who’s not old enough to legally order a martini.
It’s kind of natural that when a guy faces 50, he is desperate to hang onto his youth. Normal men buy a sports car or a motorcycle, or maybe take up playing the guitar and that’s enough to help them cope. But, others can’t stop short of abandoning all the trappings of their former life--wife, house, responsibility-- and need to find another woman to start over with. Often, she’s younger, but most important, she’s new and exciting.
I was recently introduced to a couple--he’s 60, she’s in her early 50’s. Fifteen years ago, they were neighbors and each was happily married, she with three kids, he with two. Somehow, they developed a riveting attraction and ditched their shocked spouses for one another. He gave her a massive diamond, they married the day their divorces were final, he moved into her house, and a year later they had a child, bringing the total to 6 kids between them. When I met them, they were holding hands, thrilled about spending a week alone together on a tiny island with no electricity off Nantucket. I can’t figure out if there’s any moral to this story.
Interview on the web
And check out our interview on Divorce 360:
http://www.divorce360.com/articles/1067/book-review-still-hot.aspx
http://www.divorce360.com/articles/1067/book-review-still-hot.aspx
Monday, July 28, 2008
Still Hot on Nantucket
Last Thursday we held a little wine and cheese book event co-sponsored by Nantucket Bookworks and Victoria Greenhood Jewelry Design, followed by an interview with Plum TV’s Kate Brosnan, host of the Morning, Noon & Night Show. Check out our interview on Plum TV: http://nantucket.plumtv.com/videos/linda_reing.
Sunday, July 20, 2008
Can anyone predict the ideal husband?
That priest gave sound, time-honored, indisputable advice. But here's the confusing part for me: My ex met most of those criteria. He wasn't overly tied to his mom, nor did he ignore her. He had a great sense of humor. He had lots of friends, and his parents were good people who shared a happy marriage (though his father was subject to serious depression). My ex had a decent character. Yes, he allowed me to "run" things because his life hitherto had been chaotic, so he was drawn to the stability and direction that I offered. And he wasn't one to balance the checkbook or pay the bills, so that function fell to me. He was freer about spending money than I was, but that made for a healthy balance. We complemented each other in many ways, and we shared the same values.
So I still can't put my finger on why things went so catastrophically astray. I followed that priest's guidelines, and my ex was a good husband and father for nearly 25 years. But he went through a sea change in his fifties that rendered him a depressive, narcissistic, self-pitying, lying philanderer. Did he have a weak character from the git-go that I didn't pick up on? Or can a good husband go bad? Some husbands turn to a younger woman when the gray hairs begin to sprout, while others stay contentedly with their wives. And can we really forecast which husbands will be which?
So I still can't put my finger on why things went so catastrophically astray. I followed that priest's guidelines, and my ex was a good husband and father for nearly 25 years. But he went through a sea change in his fifties that rendered him a depressive, narcissistic, self-pitying, lying philanderer. Did he have a weak character from the git-go that I didn't pick up on? Or can a good husband go bad? Some husbands turn to a younger woman when the gray hairs begin to sprout, while others stay contentedly with their wives. And can we really forecast which husbands will be which?
Friday, July 18, 2008
Mama's Boy or Mensch: A Fine Line
If you go online and google anything along the lines of traits to look for in a spouse, invariably a long list of Islamic sites pops up --all stressing the importance of issues of faith. Religious people certainly have a lot to say about the subject.
Sue, the priest you quoted brought up some good points, and actually all of them are inter-personal and have no religious overtones. I think his point #5 is one of the most salient. He asks: Is he overly attached to his mother or her mythical apron strings?
That’s can be a deal breaker for sure, and one that often doesn’t rear its head for years, especially since young or immature men often rail about their mothers and call them only infrequently in an attempt to establish independence.
Later on though, if things aren’t going right, they want Mommy back. How many women, once their marriages are dissolving into divorce, hear a litany of complaints from their departing spouses including accusations such as “ You didn’t invite my mother to join us on the family vacation” or “ Your matzo balls aren’t as fluffy as my mother’s—why did you always refuse to let her show you how to cook?”
I’d advise any woman I know that it’s really important that a man is caring and respectful toward his mother. If he can’t treat her right, there’s no chance he’ll be able to be respectful or understanding toward his girlfriend or wife. If he doesn’t properly acknowledge his mom on Mother’s Day or her birthday, watch out! On the other hand, if he wants to include her and her advice in your relationship, bail out!
Sue, the priest you quoted brought up some good points, and actually all of them are inter-personal and have no religious overtones. I think his point #5 is one of the most salient. He asks: Is he overly attached to his mother or her mythical apron strings?
That’s can be a deal breaker for sure, and one that often doesn’t rear its head for years, especially since young or immature men often rail about their mothers and call them only infrequently in an attempt to establish independence.
Later on though, if things aren’t going right, they want Mommy back. How many women, once their marriages are dissolving into divorce, hear a litany of complaints from their departing spouses including accusations such as “ You didn’t invite my mother to join us on the family vacation” or “ Your matzo balls aren’t as fluffy as my mother’s—why did you always refuse to let her show you how to cook?”
I’d advise any woman I know that it’s really important that a man is caring and respectful toward his mother. If he can’t treat her right, there’s no chance he’ll be able to be respectful or understanding toward his girlfriend or wife. If he doesn’t properly acknowledge his mom on Mother’s Day or her birthday, watch out! On the other hand, if he wants to include her and her advice in your relationship, bail out!
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