Monday, May 18, 2009

Evil Ex? Cast A Spell on Him.

When all else has failed and you have to deal with an evil EX like Mitchell lurking around and being a nasty SOB, you may have to resort to amateur witchcraft to improve his behavior, or at least get some satisfaction.


This spell will inflict serious pain and sores on your obnoxious
ex for a period of 3 days, after which the spell is lifted, and he will be well again. And maybe a humbled, nicer guy. Well,hey,it's worth a shot....

Take a lit black candle, place a full body photo of him in front of you, and tilt the candle so the wax drips on several critical places on his picture. Visualize the wax burning sores into his body. While doing so, recite the following incantation 3 times...

As I do this candle spell
Bring mine enemy 3 nights of hell
Candle black, black as night
Bring him pains of flesh tonight!

Lesions on his skin will grow
Afflict him with a painful blow
Sores and pain afflict him now
For 3 nights he'll wonder how

Dukes of darkness, toll your bell
Smite mine enemy, bring him hell
When 3 nights of pain have passed
Make him well, and nicer at last.

After sitting and thinking about the sores and the pain he will suffer, extinguish the candle. Pour yourself a glass of Chardonnay.

When 3 nights have passed,
tear up the photo and say the following...

When 3 nights of pain endured
I lift this curse, rest assured
Darkness leave him, go away;
The curse is lifted now, today!"

Repeat as needed.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Email the Ex

I would add to those excellent tips: Stick with email and avoid talking to your ex. Communicating with him via email offers several advantages:

Instead of firing off an angry verbal retort, you can get your thoughts down in an email and vent as much as you want without further angering and alienating him.

Then reread and rewrite the note so you sound cool, calm, and mature.

Let it sit, re-read it again from his point of view. Look for signs of anger, provocation or edge. Rewrite it and eliminate those. Pissing him off won't get you what you want -- which is his cooperation.

Once you send it, you have a written record of your communications, and you never know when you might need that.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Mother’s Day: What to Do When Your Ex is a Total Jerk

When your ex is a complete and total jerk and does everything he possibly can think of to ruin your Mother’s Day celebration with the kids, what can you do about it?

Mitchell, the monster ex from Mass., who was recently divorced from Joy, pulled a doozy this past Mother’s Day. He gifted their only child, Melissa, with two tickets to a Mother’s Day performance by her favorite comedian and even offered to loan her his car, with only one caveat. Melissa could take whoever she wanted to the performance as her guest so long as it wasn’t her mom.

Poor Melissa was beside herself with indecision: favorite performer/Mom; Mom/favorite performer. Though livid at Mitch, Joy helped her daughter out by suggesting that they have an early brunch together and then Melissa could go on to the performance with a friend. What Joy really wanted to say isn’t printable. Even on the internet.

Joy has had more practice than most of us dealing with a total jerk of an ex.
Here are her rules:

• While you can’t possibly control your ex, you can control yourself.
• Limit contact with the ex to the barest minimum.
• Change the way you interact. Throw him a curve ball--Don’t react the way he expects you to.
• Think of your relationship with your ex--and yes for better, or worse, usually worse, it is a relationship--as a business one, not a personal one
• Choose your battles -- only bother to fight those that truly matter
• Always script yourself before you talk to your ex--and stick to the script
• Always give yourself an out such as “It isn’t legal for me to talk now, I’m driving…”
• Never let your children hear you argue