Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Dating with Kids: 12 Tips for Single Moms

Dating with kids can be challenging – whether you’re recently divorced or you’ve endured two years’ worth of Starbucks dates -- and whether your kids are two or twenty-two. But your children can be helpful as well, especially if you recognize their wisdom. Here are a dozen tips on how they can help or hinder your social life.

1) First things first. After 20 years of puttering around the house in your ex-husband’s tattered Sigma Epsilon sweatshirts, size XXXL, you’ll need to spruce up your wardrobe. Here’s where your teenage daughter can be an invaluable asset. Set her loose in your closet, armed with an industrial-size trash bag. Close your eyes and trust her as she dumps your frump-wear: baggy sweats, grubby T’s, maxi skirts, clodhopper shoes. In short, anything that makes you look like Granny from “The Beverly Hillbillies.”

2) However, this doesn’t give you license to start dressing like the Olsen twins and cause your children endless embarrassment. Stay out of the teen department, and avoid those eensy-weensy mini-skirts, baby-doll tops, and low-rise jeans that display your new red thong. Let your children play the hosts on your personal version of “What Not to Wear.” You’ll know you’ve gone way too far if your daughter says you look like a “skank,” and your son asks if you’re decked out for a dance at the middle school.

3) Now that you’ve made the leap from soccer-mom stodgy to single-mom sexy, you’re ready to meet some guys. Again, here’s an area where it can actually help to have children. Keep your eyes open for attractive single dads when you pick up your kids from track meets, driver’s ed, SAT prep, CCD class, or Bar Mitzvahs. But whatever you do, NEVER date the father of your child’s friend. Believe us: this will make the kids gag.

4) You spent your adult life living side by side with your ex-husband, 24/7. The upshot? You know nothing about men. At this point, your children’s creep radar is a thousand times keener than your own. So if you show a guy’s internet dating profile to your teenage daughter for pre-approval, and she points out that he’s a dead-ringer for the Unabomber, listen to her.

5) When was the last time you went out on a date anyway? It was a different century! It’s as if you were cryogenically frozen 20 years ago and just thawed out. You’ll find yourself grilling your teenagers about when to return a guy’s call, how to open a text message, what to write on your internet profile. With great condescension, they’ll deliver a painfully elementary lecture on the how-to’s of handling men. Take notes.

6) Eventually you’ll catch up and hone your own instincts about whom to date. And sometimes, you can use your kids as a barometer. For instance, if a guy invites you to a pricey, five-star dinner at Auberge d’Argent, and you’d rather stay home and watch “South Park” with them, trust that impulse.

7) Of course, your kids will only be helpful up to a point. The same 15-year-old who proofread your internet dating profile might feel possessive once you’re actually dating. She may need reassurance that she’s still the most important person in your life -- especially if she suddenly demands your help with algebra on Saturday nights.

8) Your teenagers may also feel protective when you start dating. Just as you need to know when they’ll be home, remember to show them the same courtesy. Otherwise, don’t be surprised if they call your cell at 1:30 a.m. while you’re out on a date, and offer, “If you’ve been drinking, we’ll pick you up wherever you are – no questions asked.”

9) Keep in mind that your children still picture you sitting home every night, just waiting for the chance to roast a chicken for them. So be prepared for your college freshman to pop home unexpectedly, laundry bags and roommates in tow. Don’t get caught making out with your new boyfriend in front of the kitchen window.

10) No matter how mature your daughter is, do not update her on your decision to sleep with the guy you’re seeing. Or for that matter, tell her anything about your sex life. Remember, she’s your child, not your friend. In her words: “Like, too much information. Gross.”

11) Dating with really young kids poses a special challenge. Babysitters are a budget-breaker, and besides, you might feel guilty going out on Saturday night rather than staying home and playing Candy Land. But if you’re organized and highly energetic, you can have it all. Just feed them, bathe them, read The Cat in the Hat, and tuck them in. Then bring out the candles and wine, and whip up a 30-minute meal for two at 8:30. It’s a lot of work, but a welcome break from those 5:30 dinners of Scooby-Doo mac ‘n’ cheese with dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets. Yum.

12) The advantage of dating with little kids is that they’ll welcome your new boyfriend so long as he gives them a high-five and a bag of pretzels. Not so when they’re older and wiser. Don’t expect them to like any guy you date within the first year of your divorce, even if he offers them World Series tickets and a keg of beer. But by now your radar is working and you know the ropes, so if you think he’s worth it, hang in there. Your kids will come around. Maybe.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Great Stocking Stuffer Gift for Single Women

So sorry to shamelessly promote ourselves, but we can't think of a small gift that could possibly bring more smiles to a single friend's holiday than our book Still Hot. You can still still get it shipped from Amazon in time for Christmas!

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Mistresses of Tiger Woods March on Washington

FROM The Borowitz Report

December 7, 2009
Mistresses of Tiger Woods March on Washington
Crowd Estimated at Over One Million

WASHINGTON - In one of the largest mass demonstrations in recent history, over one million women claiming to have had sexual liaisons with Tiger Woods marched on Washington today.
Determined to show that they are a political force to be reckoned with, the coalition of nightclub hostesses, cocktail waitresses and lingerie models stopped traffic for hours as they marched to the Capitol.
Shandy Shanoyne, a 22-year-old thong publicist who had an on-again, off-again relationship with Mr. Woods, said that she organized the march to demand benefits, such as health care and workmen's compensation, for the golfer's many girlfriends.
"We are sick and tired of being told to take our names off our voicemail greetings," she said. "We have demands and they must be met. Quickly. Huge."
According to Ms. Shanoyne, the million or so mistresses of Mr. Woods who showed up at the march are just the tip of the iceberg: "A new girlfriend of Tiger's holds a press conference every eleven seconds."
In related stories, David Letterman, Bill Clinton, Jesse Jackson, and Governor Mark Sanford today cleared all the golf clubs out of their homes.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Post Divorce: He’s At It Again

Three and a half months since the divorce was final, Mitchell, that never-ending source of wacked out behavior, decided to file yet another complaint against April, his ex.

This makes 5 complaints he has filed in the 97 days since their marriage was officially over. Which, if you know Mitchell, really isn’t a lot considering that during the 20 year marriage he began each day by complaining that April bought the wrong soap for the shower, or that the coffee was regular when she should know that he really wanted hazelnut. Or that April had parked in the side of the garage he preferred. He ended each day complaining that the sheets didn’t smell the same as his mother’s fabric softener, that he resented April for “forcing” him to go to Parents Night at the high school, or that she knew he wanted steak for dinner every night so why did she insist on cooking fish and chicken just because his doctor said he was at risk for a heart attack?

The most recent complaint? Foosball. He wanted his Foosball game back. Well, yes, they bought it for their daughter, and no, it was never technically his, but now he wants it. And, yes, he agrees it was not on the comprehensive list of 437 items he wanted--and took--from the house already--including but not limited to the computer his daughter had been using to do her homework, and all of the lawn furniture, despite the fact that he had moved into a fourteenth floor condo.

April was taken aback that Mitchell wanted to waste yet another day with a court mediator and a judge over Foosball of all things. She would have gladly given it to him except that their daughter made her promise not to give away one more item from their now almost-bare house.

After four hours in a court mediation room, April asked Mitchell “How do you have time for this? Don’t you have a full time job?”

“This is my full time job,” he shot back.

Enraged that April was not found in contempt of court over the Foosball game, Mitchell shouted his mantra: “ There is no justice!” and stormed out of the courthouse. He then screeched off in the brand new Lexus LX10 his girlfriend bought him for his 50th birthday. She'll learn.

Monday, August 10, 2009

Divorce Cakes

Awesome divorce cakes are definitely the way to commemorate this mixed blessing occasion. Here are some of the best we've seen. Cut thin slices to maintain that divorce diet svelte body!

Monday, June 1, 2009

Keeping the Marriage Going: A Model Husband

I just got off the phone with Alan, a photographer colleague whose twelfth wedding anniversary is today.
He was so excited to report on the wonderful anniversary dinner date that he and Lori shared at their favorite restaurant, the Grocery, in Brooklyn on Saturday evening.
He dreamily described the perfect slightly breezy, warm, bug-free air they enjoyed while dining al fresco in the garden. He easily remembered that she ordered lamb (medium rare) and that he had the sea bass. And that he snuck off to tell the hostess that it was an anniversary so that Lori would be surprised when dessert arrived at the table.
Later at home, he gave her a digital photo frame filled with their wedding photos, shots of all their former anniversaries, and quite a few adorable images of their Schnoodle puppy whom he referred to as “our son”. Absolutely thrilled with his thoughtfulness, she cried, and then he cried because she cried.

I congratulated Alan on making it to a dozen years and he replied that it isn’t always so easy, and that you really have to work at a relationship. He said that, like anything precious and valuable, you need to continue to work hard to make it succeed. If it doesn’t entail a lot of work, it’s probably not worth having, was his conclusion.

Alan should be the poster boy for all husbands, don’t you think?