Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Post Divorce: He’s At It Again
Three and a half months since the divorce was final, Mitchell, that never-ending source of wacked out behavior, decided to file yet another complaint against April, his ex.
This makes 5 complaints he has filed in the 97 days since their marriage was officially over. Which, if you know Mitchell, really isn’t a lot considering that during the 20 year marriage he began each day by complaining that April bought the wrong soap for the shower, or that the coffee was regular when she should know that he really wanted hazelnut. Or that April had parked in the side of the garage he preferred. He ended each day complaining that the sheets didn’t smell the same as his mother’s fabric softener, that he resented April for “forcing” him to go to Parents Night at the high school, or that she knew he wanted steak for dinner every night so why did she insist on cooking fish and chicken just because his doctor said he was at risk for a heart attack?
The most recent complaint? Foosball. He wanted his Foosball game back. Well, yes, they bought it for their daughter, and no, it was never technically his, but now he wants it. And, yes, he agrees it was not on the comprehensive list of 437 items he wanted--and took--from the house already--including but not limited to the computer his daughter had been using to do her homework, and all of the lawn furniture, despite the fact that he had moved into a fourteenth floor condo.
April was taken aback that Mitchell wanted to waste yet another day with a court mediator and a judge over Foosball of all things. She would have gladly given it to him except that their daughter made her promise not to give away one more item from their now almost-bare house.
After four hours in a court mediation room, April asked Mitchell “How do you have time for this? Don’t you have a full time job?”
“This is my full time job,” he shot back.
Enraged that April was not found in contempt of court over the Foosball game, Mitchell shouted his mantra: “ There is no justice!” and stormed out of the courthouse. He then screeched off in the brand new Lexus LX10 his girlfriend bought him for his 50th birthday. She'll learn.
This makes 5 complaints he has filed in the 97 days since their marriage was officially over. Which, if you know Mitchell, really isn’t a lot considering that during the 20 year marriage he began each day by complaining that April bought the wrong soap for the shower, or that the coffee was regular when she should know that he really wanted hazelnut. Or that April had parked in the side of the garage he preferred. He ended each day complaining that the sheets didn’t smell the same as his mother’s fabric softener, that he resented April for “forcing” him to go to Parents Night at the high school, or that she knew he wanted steak for dinner every night so why did she insist on cooking fish and chicken just because his doctor said he was at risk for a heart attack?
The most recent complaint? Foosball. He wanted his Foosball game back. Well, yes, they bought it for their daughter, and no, it was never technically his, but now he wants it. And, yes, he agrees it was not on the comprehensive list of 437 items he wanted--and took--from the house already--including but not limited to the computer his daughter had been using to do her homework, and all of the lawn furniture, despite the fact that he had moved into a fourteenth floor condo.
April was taken aback that Mitchell wanted to waste yet another day with a court mediator and a judge over Foosball of all things. She would have gladly given it to him except that their daughter made her promise not to give away one more item from their now almost-bare house.
After four hours in a court mediation room, April asked Mitchell “How do you have time for this? Don’t you have a full time job?”
“This is my full time job,” he shot back.
Enraged that April was not found in contempt of court over the Foosball game, Mitchell shouted his mantra: “ There is no justice!” and stormed out of the courthouse. He then screeched off in the brand new Lexus LX10 his girlfriend bought him for his 50th birthday. She'll learn.
Monday, August 10, 2009
Divorce Cakes
Awesome divorce cakes are definitely the way to commemorate this mixed blessing occasion. Here are some of the best we've seen. Cut thin slices to maintain that divorce diet svelte body!
Monday, June 1, 2009
Keeping the Marriage Going: A Model Husband
I just got off the phone with Alan, a photographer colleague whose twelfth wedding anniversary is today.
He was so excited to report on the wonderful anniversary dinner date that he and Lori shared at their favorite restaurant, the Grocery, in Brooklyn on Saturday evening.
He dreamily described the perfect slightly breezy, warm, bug-free air they enjoyed while dining al fresco in the garden. He easily remembered that she ordered lamb (medium rare) and that he had the sea bass. And that he snuck off to tell the hostess that it was an anniversary so that Lori would be surprised when dessert arrived at the table.
Later at home, he gave her a digital photo frame filled with their wedding photos, shots of all their former anniversaries, and quite a few adorable images of their Schnoodle puppy whom he referred to as “our son”. Absolutely thrilled with his thoughtfulness, she cried, and then he cried because she cried.
I congratulated Alan on making it to a dozen years and he replied that it isn’t always so easy, and that you really have to work at a relationship. He said that, like anything precious and valuable, you need to continue to work hard to make it succeed. If it doesn’t entail a lot of work, it’s probably not worth having, was his conclusion.
Alan should be the poster boy for all husbands, don’t you think?
He was so excited to report on the wonderful anniversary dinner date that he and Lori shared at their favorite restaurant, the Grocery, in Brooklyn on Saturday evening.
He dreamily described the perfect slightly breezy, warm, bug-free air they enjoyed while dining al fresco in the garden. He easily remembered that she ordered lamb (medium rare) and that he had the sea bass. And that he snuck off to tell the hostess that it was an anniversary so that Lori would be surprised when dessert arrived at the table.
Later at home, he gave her a digital photo frame filled with their wedding photos, shots of all their former anniversaries, and quite a few adorable images of their Schnoodle puppy whom he referred to as “our son”. Absolutely thrilled with his thoughtfulness, she cried, and then he cried because she cried.
I congratulated Alan on making it to a dozen years and he replied that it isn’t always so easy, and that you really have to work at a relationship. He said that, like anything precious and valuable, you need to continue to work hard to make it succeed. If it doesn’t entail a lot of work, it’s probably not worth having, was his conclusion.
Alan should be the poster boy for all husbands, don’t you think?
Monday, May 18, 2009
Evil Ex? Cast A Spell on Him.
When all else has failed and you have to deal with an evil EX like Mitchell lurking around and being a nasty SOB, you may have to resort to amateur witchcraft to improve his behavior, or at least get some satisfaction.
Try the THREE NIGHTS OF HELL CANDLE SPELL:
This spell will inflict serious pain and sores on your obnoxious
ex for a period of 3 days, after which the spell is lifted, and he will be well again. And maybe a humbled, nicer guy. Well,hey,it's worth a shot....
Take a lit black candle, place a full body photo of him in front of you, and tilt the candle so the wax drips on several critical places on his picture. Visualize the wax burning sores into his body. While doing so, recite the following incantation 3 times...
As I do this candle spell
Bring mine enemy 3 nights of hell
Candle black, black as night
Bring him pains of flesh tonight!
Lesions on his skin will grow
Afflict him with a painful blow
Sores and pain afflict him now
For 3 nights he'll wonder how
Dukes of darkness, toll your bell
Smite mine enemy, bring him hell
When 3 nights of pain have passed
Make him well, and nicer at last.
After sitting and thinking about the sores and the pain he will suffer, extinguish the candle. Pour yourself a glass of Chardonnay.
When 3 nights have passed,
tear up the photo and say the following...
When 3 nights of pain endured
I lift this curse, rest assured
Darkness leave him, go away;
The curse is lifted now, today!"
Repeat as needed.
Try the THREE NIGHTS OF HELL CANDLE SPELL:
This spell will inflict serious pain and sores on your obnoxious
ex for a period of 3 days, after which the spell is lifted, and he will be well again. And maybe a humbled, nicer guy. Well,hey,it's worth a shot....
Take a lit black candle, place a full body photo of him in front of you, and tilt the candle so the wax drips on several critical places on his picture. Visualize the wax burning sores into his body. While doing so, recite the following incantation 3 times...
As I do this candle spell
Bring mine enemy 3 nights of hell
Candle black, black as night
Bring him pains of flesh tonight!
Lesions on his skin will grow
Afflict him with a painful blow
Sores and pain afflict him now
For 3 nights he'll wonder how
Dukes of darkness, toll your bell
Smite mine enemy, bring him hell
When 3 nights of pain have passed
Make him well, and nicer at last.
After sitting and thinking about the sores and the pain he will suffer, extinguish the candle. Pour yourself a glass of Chardonnay.
When 3 nights have passed,
tear up the photo and say the following...
When 3 nights of pain endured
I lift this curse, rest assured
Darkness leave him, go away;
The curse is lifted now, today!"
Repeat as needed.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Email the Ex
I would add to those excellent tips: Stick with email and avoid talking to your ex. Communicating with him via email offers several advantages:
Instead of firing off an angry verbal retort, you can get your thoughts down in an email and vent as much as you want without further angering and alienating him.
Then reread and rewrite the note so you sound cool, calm, and mature.
Let it sit, re-read it again from his point of view. Look for signs of anger, provocation or edge. Rewrite it and eliminate those. Pissing him off won't get you what you want -- which is his cooperation.
Once you send it, you have a written record of your communications, and you never know when you might need that.
Instead of firing off an angry verbal retort, you can get your thoughts down in an email and vent as much as you want without further angering and alienating him.
Then reread and rewrite the note so you sound cool, calm, and mature.
Let it sit, re-read it again from his point of view. Look for signs of anger, provocation or edge. Rewrite it and eliminate those. Pissing him off won't get you what you want -- which is his cooperation.
Once you send it, you have a written record of your communications, and you never know when you might need that.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Mother’s Day: What to Do When Your Ex is a Total Jerk
When your ex is a complete and total jerk and does everything he possibly can think of to ruin your Mother’s Day celebration with the kids, what can you do about it?
Mitchell, the monster ex from Mass., who was recently divorced from Joy, pulled a doozy this past Mother’s Day. He gifted their only child, Melissa, with two tickets to a Mother’s Day performance by her favorite comedian and even offered to loan her his car, with only one caveat. Melissa could take whoever she wanted to the performance as her guest so long as it wasn’t her mom.
Poor Melissa was beside herself with indecision: favorite performer/Mom; Mom/favorite performer. Though livid at Mitch, Joy helped her daughter out by suggesting that they have an early brunch together and then Melissa could go on to the performance with a friend. What Joy really wanted to say isn’t printable. Even on the internet.
Joy has had more practice than most of us dealing with a total jerk of an ex.
Here are her rules:
• While you can’t possibly control your ex, you can control yourself.
• Limit contact with the ex to the barest minimum.
• Change the way you interact. Throw him a curve ball--Don’t react the way he expects you to.
• Think of your relationship with your ex--and yes for better, or worse, usually worse, it is a relationship--as a business one, not a personal one
• Choose your battles -- only bother to fight those that truly matter
• Always script yourself before you talk to your ex--and stick to the script
• Always give yourself an out such as “It isn’t legal for me to talk now, I’m driving…”
• Never let your children hear you argue
Mitchell, the monster ex from Mass., who was recently divorced from Joy, pulled a doozy this past Mother’s Day. He gifted their only child, Melissa, with two tickets to a Mother’s Day performance by her favorite comedian and even offered to loan her his car, with only one caveat. Melissa could take whoever she wanted to the performance as her guest so long as it wasn’t her mom.
Poor Melissa was beside herself with indecision: favorite performer/Mom; Mom/favorite performer. Though livid at Mitch, Joy helped her daughter out by suggesting that they have an early brunch together and then Melissa could go on to the performance with a friend. What Joy really wanted to say isn’t printable. Even on the internet.
Joy has had more practice than most of us dealing with a total jerk of an ex.
Here are her rules:
• While you can’t possibly control your ex, you can control yourself.
• Limit contact with the ex to the barest minimum.
• Change the way you interact. Throw him a curve ball--Don’t react the way he expects you to.
• Think of your relationship with your ex--and yes for better, or worse, usually worse, it is a relationship--as a business one, not a personal one
• Choose your battles -- only bother to fight those that truly matter
• Always script yourself before you talk to your ex--and stick to the script
• Always give yourself an out such as “It isn’t legal for me to talk now, I’m driving…”
• Never let your children hear you argue
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