FROM The Borowitz Report
December 7, 2009
Mistresses of Tiger Woods March on Washington
Crowd Estimated at Over One Million
WASHINGTON - In one of the largest mass demonstrations in recent history, over one million women claiming to have had sexual liaisons with Tiger Woods marched on Washington today.
Determined to show that they are a political force to be reckoned with, the coalition of nightclub hostesses, cocktail waitresses and lingerie models stopped traffic for hours as they marched to the Capitol.
Shandy Shanoyne, a 22-year-old thong publicist who had an on-again, off-again relationship with Mr. Woods, said that she organized the march to demand benefits, such as health care and workmen's compensation, for the golfer's many girlfriends.
"We are sick and tired of being told to take our names off our voicemail greetings," she said. "We have demands and they must be met. Quickly. Huge."
According to Ms. Shanoyne, the million or so mistresses of Mr. Woods who showed up at the march are just the tip of the iceberg: "A new girlfriend of Tiger's holds a press conference every eleven seconds."
In related stories, David Letterman, Bill Clinton, Jesse Jackson, and Governor Mark Sanford today cleared all the golf clubs out of their homes.