Saturday, May 31, 2008
I don't know if anything will come of this, nor how many other women he's dating, nor if he's seeing someone else regularly. But I can say that I had fun, enjoyed getting to know him better, felt relaxed, and appreciated the lack of pressure.
Friday, May 30, 2008
I feel that your date is a very needy guy. He wants his wine before the grape is even harvested. I disagree with your daughter that the guy is a freak and a loser, but he may be an asshole. There’s something about you that he finds nurturing, or that reminds him of his mother. Otherwise he wouldn’t feel so at ease trying to hold your hand or kissing you on the first date. I agree that you should be apprehensive about his tendencies, especially because he seems to be a McCain supporter. But it’s only the first date, and if you find him interesting and intelligent, and you can set your boundaries, then it may be worth a second and third date. I don’t think that most men behave this way, even if they would like to. You may need to guide him along and show him that it disturbs you when he makes advances. If he responds, great, if not, dump him.
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Why would I feel like being physically affectionate with someone I've known for all of two hours? His overtures seemed so out of the blue, like a complete non-sequitor. Yet this is how many guys behave, especially those who are looking for love on the internet. They're intent on forcing the romance right away because they're armed with an agenda. It is NOT a natural way to try to get to know someone.
Now what do I do if he calls again? I found him interesting and intelligent, but I was very turned off by what felt like an encroachment of my personal boundaries. I should have explained this at the time. Do I explain it on the phone? Or the next time it happens? Or is he just a jerk that I shouldn't go out with again? Please advise and get the male viewpoint from Paul.
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
My friend Nora was dating a guy she didn’t really like too much whom she’d been fixed up with by her octogenarian neighbor. On a really good day, she was lukewarm about the guy. He had a weird odor--like cat pee--in his hair and told the same stories over and over ad nauseum. Plus he was bankrupt, but she kept on dating him. Either she didn’t trust online dating--which would have brought her dozens of more appealing choices--or she just couldn’t say something like “I like you but I’m allergic to cats, so alas we have to call it quits.”
At any rate, each week, this charming fellow was available on either Friday or Saturday night, never both. And he never even called to ask her out until Thursday anyway.
Nora obsessively checked on him, calling his home and hanging up, at all hours on the weekend evenings when he was supposedly “busy with the kids”. She was not attracted to this man, dreaded the thought of kissing him, and even went so far as to stuff cotton balls up her nostrils to avoid smelling him. Yet, she hung around for his calls and practically stalked him.
If she'd been willing to get online and date a few other people, she would have had much more fun and she would have ditched this guy asap instead of waiting around until he announced he was engaged to a woman in New Jersey who was a foster mother to 13 cats and an un-neutered 200 pound Vietnamese Pot Belly Pig. http://www.ansi.okstate.edu/breeds/swine/vietnamesepotbelly/index.htm
It enables you to date a few guys at one time, making it easier to keep your perspective and not get carried away by anyone in particular while you're getting to know them. You don't put your eggs in one basket, start fantasizing about someone, wait by the phone for his call, or act needy, because you're engaged with a few. That's a healthy way to date until you know you've met the right person.
Of course, the down side is that any guy you date is also juggling a few people, which may distract him from focusing on you. So this plus has its minus side. And I do think that with endless multiple profiles at everybody's fingertips, it's hard for a relationship to develop. But if nothing else, it's nice to get dressed up, go out, and meet new people -- especially at this time of year. I say everyone should try it now and then.
P.S. Check out our tips on the DOs and DON'Ts of online dating in today's Huffington Post:
Thursday, May 22, 2008
But back to your date trashing his ex-wife-- that’s bad news. No woman wants to hear that. It just reminds us that our exes could be out there badmouthing us to anyone who will listen and that thought makes us cringe!
I’m proud of you -- you mustered the courage to jump back into that dating pool. God knows it’s not easy, but at least it was pleasant. Onward and upward! Or maybe it's more like Tally-Ho!
On the other hand, he made some interesting points: that most men are superficial and judge women on their looks, and that women are deeper and, in his opinion, more admirable. I think he'd make a better friend/"activity partner" than potential bf, but I haven't yet met a man who is interested in assuming that role. I think that between any man and woman, it's more natural to develop a friendship first and see where it goes, rather than look for romance right away.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Sunday, May 18, 2008
Got married at age 45 for the first time
Got divorced seven years later (marriage produced one child)
Has been divorced for ten years, still looking for Ms. Right
Which means he has spent more of his adult life dating than he has sustaining a relationship. I'm having drinks with him Wed night because Linda told me to, but I am leery. This guy has a dismal relationship history, and every shrink and self-help book warns that you should pay close attention to a person's history. Well, ya never know -- maybe I'll meet someone else at the bar.
So guess what: this time, with my dignified photos and true age, I didn't hear from ANYBODY. I guess I really succeeded in weeding out the jerks!
Monday, May 12, 2008
It is sweet and considerate and very important that they are keeping a lid on the animosity for the sake of their children. We all try to do that, and we often fail. We recommend that you bite your tongue when discussing your ex with the children.
Remember your mother’s age-old advice when you talk to the kids about Dad’s shenanigans: “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say it.” We would add, “Lie through your teeth instead.” Then give yourself a pat on the back for being a great mom.
Friday, May 9, 2008
HUMOR Enough about those Sex in the City girls already. It's easy to live the glamorous life when you're single, independent, and haven't gone a little crazy satisfying the demands of a husband and kids. But what might Carrie Bradshaw be like 18 years from now when Mr. Big decides to trade up for the latest model?
Still Hot: The Uncensored Guide to Divorce, Dating, Sex, Spite, and Happily Ever After
by Sue Mittenthal and Linda Reing
You don't have to speculate - just pick up Still Hot and see how a couple of smart, attractive, yet cheated-on wives pick up the pieces after their marriages deep-six.
Yes, Virginia, there's life after divorce; but there's no pity in this short, page-turning read - just the kind of laughs that will have even your most fragile going-through-a-separation girlfriend snorting into the book as she recognizes every cliche that describes her errant soon-to-be ex.
Part stand-up routine and part tongue-in-cheek extended rant, Still Hot is a survivor's guide that forces you to giggle even when you feel like crying.
It's a book women buy for women, and laugh over together.
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
Robin Williams is divorcing his second wife. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm pretty sure she was the nanny when he was married to wife #1. (What goes around comes around?) He says they are divorcing "with love" and that it will be totally civil for the sake of their kids. That's a far cry from the people who are ranting on YouTube about their soon-to-be exes-- with absolutely no regard for how the public airing affects their children.
But is it possible to bid au revoir with amour? Usually the legal process is so horrific that it only heightens the anger and resentment. I think three conditions are necessary for a loving split: 1) the separation is mutual and not due to infidelity, 2) there is PLENTY of money to go around, and 3) the moneyed spouse doesn't mind parting with it. These days, that's what we call true love.
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
Which brings up the subject of publicly airing your dirty laundry. Lately, the actress Tricia Walsh Smith has been using You Tube to publicly embarrass her husband who is divorcing her. I’m put off by her crazy vindictiveness and lack of any sense of privacy- she’s got absolutely no style .
Monday, May 5, 2008
for the full review, go to: womensissues.about.com
click on "life transitions"
click on "divorce"
At my high school reunion this past weekend, a former classmate, who lived and worked in China for many years, asked me why I got divorced. When I explained that my husband was having an affair, he asked incredulously, "That's why you broke up?" He said that in China, all husbands have mistresses, and that these girlfriends are very young. Apparently the wives accept this and no one ends a marriage over it. He was under the impression that the wives don't reciprocate, either. A bum deal every way you look at it, except for the men.
Friday, May 2, 2008
I wonder if the Hillary- haters are equally ticked off at Silda Spitzer, the wife of New York’s former sex-scandal- plagued Governor, for not hitting him over the head with a frying pan and then showing him to the door. And what about Jackie Kennedy? Is she detestable as well for not dumping JFK?
Sadly, it seems it’s part of the deal that many political wives accept cheating as something that comes with the big-ego territory of elected office. Or maybe they just figure that their husbands’ brains are located in their crotch, and that’s all there is to it.
I bet Hillary has never for one moment felt really threatened by any of the phalanx of skanks that Bill chose to skulk around with over the years. After all, we know it’s way different--and devasating--when your husband announces he’s in love with another woman. If, say, Bill fell in love with Monica or any of her big-hair predecessors, I bet Hillary--whose career and talents are worlds above just being a “wife of” --wouldn’t stand by her man. And this is not a political endorsement!
Thursday, May 1, 2008
The other day a friend mentioned that lots of women loathe Hillary because she stayed with Bill after the Lewinsky/blue-dress affair. Should you stick with a spouse who cheated?
I say you can't judge others on this -- especially if there are kids involved, and if your h grovels for forgiveness. When I discovered my husband's affair, I campaigned to save our marriage. I asked that we go into marital counseling (he refused), I demanded that he end the affair (he agreed, then continued to cheat), and I tried to please by looking sexier, acting romantic, and giving him tons of (undeserved) support. I waited vainly for the famous "fizzle." Finally I gave him the boot. To my surprise, my teenaged kids -- whom I'd been trying to protect -- were greatly relieved.
Had he given her up and we'd stayed together, would I be able to forgive him? I'll never know for sure, but I doubt it!