Friday, December 5, 2008

Dating: Fresh Direct = Fresh + Direct

Like many of us, after her divorce Liz found herself happily losing some excess pounds, but after a while she realized that she really wasn’t eating enough and that in fact she was hardly eating anything at all on the alternate weekends when her kids were with their dad.

This fall, after a year of bad eating habits, surviving whole weekends on coffee,a large candy bar and a bottle of wine, she pledged that she would cook for herself and for friends on those lonely childless weekends, so she signed up with Fresh Direct and placed an order heavy on the healthy food groups.

The delivery arrived on Friday evening just after she had kissed the kids goodbye. The young, handsome and very buff delivery guy easily carried her three heavy boxes up the four flights to her loft. Liz had fixed herself a cup of tea and thought it would be polite to offer him one as well. He was pleased to have an opportunity to warm up on a chilly autumn night and they chatted for a while.

Two weeks later when the same delivery guy brought her order, Liz had just started to pour herself a glass of wine. Again, she politely offered and again he accepted. Only this time, after they each had a second glass of wine and then somehow the bottle was empty, they found themselves making out on her couch.

Both feeling smitten, they spoke on the phone daily after that first make-out session. Two more weeks passed and this time they ended up in her bed. It must have been pretty good, because rather than wait for two more weeks, Liz placed her order to arrive 5 days later on Wednesday night when the kids were sleeping at their dad’s. This pattern continued. The Fresh Direct guy always came with flowers or perfume for Liz in addition to her grocery order, and she stopped tipping at his insistence.

Liz began to gain weight. She was cooking up a storm. Her kids began to gain weight, though they complained that she served them too many green vegetables. Her friends began to gain weight. She was having groceries delivered every time her kids were out of the house. And she felt that this kind of “dating” was exactly what she needed at the moment – satisfying and very low maintenance.

One day, though, Liz received a phone call from an irate woman, screaming and cursing death threats at her. Before she hung up, shaken, she realized that the Fresh Direct guy’s “fiancée” had become suspicious and found Liz’ number on his cell phone.

Liz cut off the Fresh Direct deliveries ASAP. She deleted the guy’s number from her cell and refused all of his calls. He showed up at her loft a couple of times with flowers and chocolates and even tried to bring her a free Thanksgiving turkey, but she refused to buzz him in.

She has taken off five pounds even in the midst of the holidays and the kids are happy to be back on pizza and Chinese take-out. Liz regrets only that she’ll probably never have such a convenient relationship again.

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