Monday, December 15, 2008

Divorce Survival Tips

This Friday, December 19th, we'll be on the Morning Show with Rachel and Jeff on WTIC-Fox in Hartford between 8 and 9 a.m. We'll touch on the following survival tips from STILL HOT.

1. It's not your fault if your husband left you for his 22-year-old yoga instructor.

(So don't believe his charges that you drove him away because you controlled the thermostat, smeared night cream on your face, and didn't let him floss in bed. His fling with the babe has everything to do with his fear of death and decrepitude.)

2. You'll learn that your girlfriends are either Betty's or Veronica's.

(You need to lean on them, but you'll quickly find out that some get an A and a few deserve an F. The A girlfriend runs into your ex and tells you just what you wanted to hear: that he's gotten bald and fat. But the F pal reports back that he's gotten really buff and his girlfriend looks like Cameron Diaz.)

3. Change your image from soccer-mom stodgy to single-mom sexy.

(By going shopping with your teenage daughter and letting her swap your frumpy sweats for tank tops and form-fitted skirts. And be sure to toss your white cotton granny panties.)

4. Those internet dating profiles can be a crock of cow dung.

(They're inflated, misstated and self-deluded, but with practice and our book, you'll learn to decode them. For instance, if he describes himself as "cuddly," he has a 50-inch waist. If he's been told he's "very handsome," it's by his mother. And never underestimate the power of Photoshop to erase bad teeth and multiple chins.)

5. Beware if the guy you're dating is totally bald, but there's a hairdryer and conditioner in his bathroom.

(Mr. Wrong comes in two varieties: the Player and the Loser. The player is described above; you might also find a lavender thong between his sheets or a lacey camisole in his closet. No matter what he says, they're not his mother's. The loser's idea of a long-term relationship is six weeks, and you have to kick four laundry bags out of the way to enter his apartment, where you'll find his extensive porn collection.)

6. You haven't moved on if you're obsessed with your ex and his new babe -- and whether hers are saline, silicone, or spectacular. (Totally silicone.)

(It's cathartic to indulge in spiteful fantasy, but you need to focus on rebuilding your own life and putting him and his young cupcake behind you. Even though, yes, hers are definitely fake and that's probably not her original nose.)

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